


retrouvaille

by corgs



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Post-Break Up, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-11-21 18:41:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 37,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11363325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corgs/pseuds/corgs
Summary: [french] [n.] the act of meeting someone againSanghyuk only knew his neighbor by the flavor of his voice, the highest pitch it could hit. He wished it ended there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In regards to the flashbacks littered throughout this story, they aren't in chronological order. It should be obvious which is a flashback and which is the present, but let me know if you think I should add something to denote the difference. 
> 
> Anyways, I live and breath slow build stories and pain I'm sorry OTL

 

Sanghyuk liked to associate his lack of luxuries with his status as a recent college graduate. There was only so much he could afford when he was dead set on moving out of his family home the moment he graduated. Don't get him wrong, he loved his family, but there was _something_ about living alone and away from certain places that held certain memories.

_“You raaaiseee me uuuuuup so I can staaand on mooouuuntains!!”_

“Why haven't you moved yet? Hasn't he been doing this ever since he moved in?” Hongbin nudged Sanghyuk’s naked butt with his foot as he laid on his stomach, scrolling through something on his phone. “Hakyeon-hyung helped you get on a real salary, which you’ve been on for the last six months, and I’m pretty sure you make money from your webcomic.”

Sanghyuk flipped himself over onto his back and kicked Hongbin’s leg in return before wrapping himself up in his thin bed sheets, “I told you before hyung. My work office is only two subway stops from here and it’s convenient.”

He had been living in his current one bedroom apartment for a bit more than a year and he never had any real problems with it. On the first day his new neighbor moved in, Sanghyuk learned his neighbor had a penchant for singing and might’ve forgotten that small detail when he invited Hongbin over.    

“Except your walls are paper thin.” Hongbin paused, then glanced at Sanghyuk and whispered, “I swear your neighbor can hear us breathing. From now on, we’re going to my place for sex– I don’t need live BGM.”

For the last hour, they could hear Sanghyuk’s neighbor of four days obnoxiously singing English songs in a terrible accent, which might have ruined the post-coital mood. It was just one minor drawback that he wasn’t going to knock on his neighbor’s door for. They were the only two apartments at the end of the hall and Sanghyuk wasn’t the type to confront strangers.

“It’s only a problem now because this guy is always home when the last one wasn’t. Maybe he’s trying to get back at us?” Sanghyuk hypothesized and Hongbin eyed the wall separating Sanghyuk’s apartment from his neighbor’s with contemplation. In his now twenty-three years of existence, Sanghyuk’s never had a problem with roommates, neighbors, or noise until now.

“If I was petty, I guess I’d do that.”

“Which you are– ack!”

Sanghyuk curled in on himself when Hongbin punched his arm disgruntled, “You’re so uncute.”

“Now you sound like Hakyeon-hyung,” Sanghyuk groaned, pulling out the pillow he was resting his head on and throwing it on top of Hongbin’s head. Hongbin laughed as he removed the pillow and kept it for himself, stuffing it under his chest.

“And that’s why we’re not dating you.”

Sanghyuk hoisted himself up into a sitting position and poked Hongbin’s butt before getting up in search of clothes and his glasses, “You’re not dating me because you’re pining after him. Anyways, are you coming with me to get ice cream or are you too sore?”

With a sigh, Hongbin ungracefully rolled himself toward the edge of the bed, phone still in hand, “Go get my boxers, shrimp.”

Sanghyuk pelted them at Hongbin’s face.

—

By the time Sanghyuk worked through half a pint of caramel chocolate ice cream, Hongbin ditched him to go home to finish some work, leaving Sanghyuk by himself. On an empty curb. In the middle of the night.

Sanghyuk enjoyed being with Hongbin– they matched well with each other, which was great and was what helped them become fast friends in the first place.

Sanghyuk, though, understood the struggles of being a working adult and made the five minute journey home alone with a half-pint of ice cream swinging around in a flimsy plastic bag hanging from his arm. He didn’t need to go to the office tomorrow so he took his time, knowing he could sleep in. Seoul wasn’t necessarily quiet around this time of night, especially in the summer, but it was starting to wind down. He lived on the outskirts of the district so the noise wasn’t unbearable, but it wasn’t dead silent either.

It was like his home away from home– it had everything, save for the painful memories of late night grinding at various Internet cafes and whispered promises on the swing sets of the neighborhood playground. Summer was making him nostalgic, but he shouldn’t go there. He left all of that behind.

“Oh,” a young man shorter than Sanghyuk, most likely in his twenties, was coming out of the apartment next to Sanghyuk’s when he returned. He had just pushed his key into his door when he heard his neighbor’s door open. Curiosity got the better of him so Sanghyuk waited to see who emerged. He only knew his neighbor by the flavor of his voice and the highest pitch it could hit. It wasn't a bad voice, Sanghyuk thought, when the guy was legitimately singing.

Once or twice Sanghyuk might’ve found caught himself listening intently to the voice that carried into his apartment.

“Hey,” Sanghyuk put up a hand in greeting, abandoning his keys in his door. And then he did a double take– the guy looked like he jumped straight out of a manhwa. Objectively handsome, Sanghyuk told himself, despite his neighbor looking like he had just woken up, given his disheveled dyed dark brown hair and wrinkled oversized tee. But...there was something familiar about him...

The guy stepped out of his apartment, donning an easy smile that struck a chord in Sanghyuk, “Are you my neighbor?”

“Are you the guy who’s been belting every song known to man the last few days?” Sanghyuk was on the cusp of figuring it out, the inherent frustration stabbing his brain like it would help Sanghyuk reach the answer.

“Ah!” the guy’s face goes red impressively fast before his hand shot up to cover his mouth. “You can hear?”

“Well…” Sanghyuk’s hand twitched up to adjust his glasses, “the walls aren’t the best in this building.” His neighbor had been completely oblivious to that small fact, which explained why he seemed to sing without shame. His neighbor fidgeted with his feet as he stared down at them, avoiding any eye contact, ears turning a shade of red. Sanghyuk felt like he had seen that gesture before…

And then it hit him, like someone sucker had just punched him in the solar plexus. Oxygen became caught in Sanghyuk’s throat as he regarded his neighbor with an emotion he could only identify as terror.

“Jaehwan…?”

He curled his hand into a tight fist to stop the tremors running through his fingers, his awkward politeness falling away. Memories began to flood and Sanghyuk wanted to do something, anything, but his feet were rooted to the linoleum-tiled floor underneath. How was this happening?

Jaehwan blinked up at him as he examined Sanghyuk with confusion, and Sanghyuk knew that when Jaehwan’s brows shot up, eyes widened, realization struck him. It was as if time had stopped, if for a moment, between them.

“Sanghyuk?” Jaehwan smile fell as he then took in Sanghyuk’s person, mouth gaping. “I barely recognized you; you’re so big now!”

The last time he saw Jaehwan was when he broke Sanghyuk’s heart– anxiously bitten bottom lip, traces of baby fat hanging off his cheeks, thick glasses, and a pathetic _I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me._ He was fifteen and walked home that night with a crushed heart at the hands of his best friend, something not even his mom’s cooking or mindless hours of video games could usher away. The sort of heartbreak that decorated his pillow with tears.

It had been seven, almost eight years since then. But now, an older Jaehwan was talking to him. A bit maturer, thinner, stood taller, but still had the same aura about him.

His first love still had the same brilliant smile that used to steal Sanghyuk’s breath away..

“Yeah, it’s,” Sanghyuk didn’t know where to look, but ultimately settled on the floor, “been a while, hyung…”

“Almost eight years?” Jaehwan specified quietly.

_“I won't be able to see you everyday anymore. I’m going to miss you…” Sanghyuk quickly confessed, embarrassed at how childish he sounded. Jaehwan didn't say anything; he just smiled like he had won the lottery and fastened their hands together tightly._

Eight years was a good run for avoiding someone whose family lived across the street from yours, who was your childhood best friend. Theoretically, eight years was ample time to find the power to face Jaehwan properly, but apparently it wasn’t, “Yeah. Eight years.”

Sanghyuk ran from Daejeon and out of the thousands of apartment buildings in Seoul, ran into him in this specific apartment, on this specific floor, in this specific hallway. A cruel twist of fate.

“How– How have you been?”

Sanghyuk chewed on his lower lip, his canines digging a dull pain into the delicate skin, “I’ve been good. Finished uni last year.” Life had been treating Sanghyuk well the last few years– his balls dropped, he did well in school, learned how to style his own hair, learned to cook– which must be why this was happening to him.

“That’s great,” Jaehwan responded much less strained and more genuine, “I’m happy for you.”

_“You're so precious to me, Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan whispered, louder than the explosion of fireworks. “I don't know what I’d do if you weren't around.”_

“Thanks.” Sanghyuk fought the temptation to yell at Jaehwan, or was he mistaking it for tears that wished to escape? He wasn’t sure– the two sensations mixed with each other often enough that when Sanghyuk felt them, he wasn’t sure what the difference was anymore.

What he did know, though, was that he wanted to punch Jaehwan. He wanted to be angry, maybe because he never had the chance to directly unfurl everything unto Jaehwan, but Sanghyuk had grown tired of being angry. His strongest wish in that moment, though, was to escape.

“It looked like you were about to go somewhere and I don’t want to keep you…” Sanghyuk turned back to his door and flicked his keys to the left, the click of the lock echoing loudly into the hall.

“Wait!” Jaehwan lurched forward to grab Sanghyuk’s wrist, the one that was twisting to remove his keys from his door. Sanghyuk stiffened, sensing the lack of distance between their bodies. Hongbin had held his wrist a few hours ago, but it didn’t burn like Jaehwan’s. Nobody ever left a deep impression on his body like Jaehwan.

_“Tell me why, hyung!” Desperation clawed at him, digging trenches into his body, but Sanghyuk wasn't shedding any tears. Not yet. “Did I do something wrong?”_

But Sanghyuk was over Jaehwan, had been for years, and yet even a simple touch like this caused his lips to tremble and eyes to lose focus. “Do you want to come over and catch up? I was just going to get snacks, it’s not a big deal.”

Sanghyuk stared at the foreign hand, the soft touch of long fingers wrapping easily around him, as he fumbled over a half-hearted excuse, his throat tightening, “I– uh–I actually have some….stuff to do...”

“Oh,” Jaehwan mumbled disheartened, his fingers slipping off Sanghyuk’s wrist.

Don’t look, don’t look.

“Maybe another time?” Sanghyuk stole a glance over at Jaehwan and regretted it the second he did. Rationality always seemed to leave him when it came to Jaehwan, who stared back at him with a sad sort of hope. A melancholic smile and oh– Jaehwan was so close now. Sanghyuk rarely saw Jaehwan without his glasses, but Jaehwan’s eyes still held an intensity that left Sanghyuk briefly speechless.

“Sure.”

Once Sanghyuk retreated through his front door and snapped the lock in place, he pressed a hand to his mouth and bit down on the plump flesh of his palm, keeping any urges to scream at bay.

Fuck.

—

Sanghyuk, age fourteen, was undeniably in love with his best friend of seven years.

“Hyung!” Sanghyuk giggled as Jaehwan lifted him up against his chest and tossed him back into the water. He heard the distant scream of a whistle before he went into the water head first, water displaced by his body came rushing back around him, enveloping him, until Sanghyuk broke through the water’s surface. He shook his head, letting water fly off his short hair.

Jaehwan swam over to him with a wide grin, eyes scrunching up at the corners behind the glasses he still wore even though he was almost waist deep in water, “I’m strong, aren’t I, Hyukkie?”

“I can do the same thing too,” Sanghyuk pointed out, already closing the distance between him and Jaehwan. Jaehwan shrieked, momentarily forgetting (or just not caring) that they were in a public pool and the lifeguard was seconds away from dragging their wet asses out onto the street. Not wishing to brave the heat of summer prematurely, Sanghyuk glided his arms through the water until they wrapped around Jaehwan’s body, bringing their chests together. He smiled up at him, smiling the way he knew made Jaehwan weak in the legs.

“Well, are you going to pick me up?” Jaehwan asked, the water from his bangs dripping onto Sanghyuk’s cheeks. Sanghyuk moved to push Jaehwan’s bangs back and then snorted.

Behind Jaehwan, there was a group of kids yelling and splashing water at each other, clad in inflatable arm floaties.

“What, what, what?”

Sanghyuk couldn’t stop laughing whenever he was with Jaehwan. It always came out, unhindered and light, until his sides hurt, “Nothing! You just look funny with your hair like that.”

Jaehwan pouted, his nose scrunching up, and then he swooped to pick Sanghyuk up bridal style. Sanghyuk yelped. Jaehwan nuzzled his nose against Sanghyuk’s cheek, “Hyukkie, you’re so cute.”

Sanghyuk blushed, pushing Jaehwan’s face away, and quietly reminded him, “Hyung, we’re in public…”

“Really?” Jaehwan asked with mock surprise. “You see, I’m terribly blind so...”

“Seriously?” Sanghyuk groaned.

Jaehwan kissed him chastely on the lips before flipping Sanghyuk back into the water.

—      

Jaehwan lived next door to him and Sanghyuk had no idea what to make of it.

He had gotten over Jaehwan years ago, had come to accept what happened and dusted off his hands all traces of affection that may have lingered. While he hadn’t forgiven Jaehwan for what he’d done or how he chose to break things off, Sanghyuk shouldn’t have had as strong of a reaction as he did.

Rather, it wasn’t necessarily Jaehwan’s presence that made Sanghyuk feel antsy. Just seeing Jaehwan triggered his memories of everything that happened between them and Sanghyuk could feel the ghost of emotions as he recalled the past. That was, memories of halcyon days Sanghyuk once mourned before sadness turned into an even deeper sorrow and fury that permeated for months and faintly lingered for years. Everything had a way of pointing back to Jaehwan.   

_“How about you be the last person I’ll love?”_

Sanghyuk tossed off his bed sheet and marched toward the bathroom with what felt like lead in his toes. He didn’t need to go into the office today so he woke up late and spent thirty minutes staring holes into the ceiling above his bed before he got the urge to pulverize clogged pores.

Jaehwan may have once dominated his thoughts and dreams, but Sanghyuk would be damned if that became the case again. Jaehwan was just another person, practically a stranger now, in his life. He wasn’t important. He held no influence. The easiest option would be to keep Jaehwan at a distance.

At least, that’s what Sanghyuk told himself.

“Good morning,” Jaehwan was unlocking his front door when Sanghyuk stepped out to go run errands. He didn’t seem bothered by the fact that Sanghyuk lived next door to him. In the years after he and Jaehwan parted ways, Sanghyuk never encountered a person as uniquely joyful as Jaehwan.   

Evidently, Sanghyuk wasn’t done cursing his luck.

“Morning…” Sanghyuk gave Jaehwan a tight smile and quickly made for the stairwell. He had no problems with Jaehwan– he just had things to do and places to be. Three days in a row.

Hongbin pointed out he was actually dodging around Jaehwan, but Sanghyuk begged to differ. If they had nothing to talk about, then was Sanghyuk actually avoiding Jaehwan? Hongbin knew enough about Sanghyuk to know that Sanghyuk’s heart had been torn out and unfairly stomped on at the tender age of fifteen. He also liked to believe he knew Sanghyuk better than Sanghyuk knew himself.

“You claim to be over him, but you want to punch him in the face. You also moved out of your parent’s place because of him.” Hongbin stated as he played with Sanghyuk’s bangs. Sanghyuk had laid his head on Hongbin’s lap and Hongbin, clad in only Rilakkuma-printed boxers, thought it was the right time to have this discussion.

Sanghyuk rolled his eyes, “Don’t act like you _wouldn’t_ punch a shitty ex if you had the chance. And you know I didn’t move out just because of him.” Hongbin couldn’t understand the sort of pain the past caused Sanghyuk whenever he saw that familiar home across the street from his own.

“If I left the past in the past, I wouldn’t,” Hongbin said simply. “You’re still bitter.”

“I’m not.”

In the weeks, months, and years when Sanghyuk went out of his way to cut Jaehwan out of his life, there were too many instances to count when he wished to have his best friend back. At his lowest point, he’d clutch his phone between his hands, cheeks damp with a layer of salty tears, so close to texting _I miss you_ , _I still love you_ , or a mix of both months after.

He had been wrought with so many emotions back then, but present day Sanghyuk wasn’t bitter. He didn’t hold anything any grudges against Jaehwan either. It was just... so disappointing to see Jaehwan living what seemed to be a good life and it felt like it was Sanghyuk’s job to do karma’s work.  

“Not that whatever you decide to do with your life will affect me,” Hongbin shrugged, ruffling Sanghyuk’s hair into even more of a mess.

Sanghyuk groaned loudly, shaking Hongbin’s hands out of his hair and rolling off Hongbin’s lap into a pile of pillows and sheets, “What kind of hyung are you?”

Hongbin ignored Sanghyuk’s complaint, going on to say, “Communication is important. Decide what you want because you can’t avoid your problems forever.”

He didn’t have any problems to avoid. Even if he did, Sanghyuk would avoid them until his last dying breath, just to spite Hongbin.

—

Sanghyuk’s first kiss was everything he expected it to be and more. He and Jaehwan had walked to the front of Sanghyuk’s home and were just about to part ways when Sanghyuk thought the moment was right. Jaehwan’s lips felt like cotton candy under his. They were warm, slightly moist from a previous application of chapstick, and Sanghyuk could feel Jaehwan staggeredly exhale through his nose just as he pulled away. His ears were burning and his palms were sweating buckets.

“Well?” Sanghyuk looked up at Jaehwan expectantly, who had gone still and turned into a blank slate. They had started dating a few weeks ago, but they hadn’t done more than hold hands before. Jaehwan said he didn’t want to rush into it, wanted everything to come to them naturally.  

Right as Sanghyuk began to worry, Jaehwan abruptly dropped into a squat and ducked his head between his knees, fanning himself with his hands, “Is it hot or is it just me?”

“It wasn’t that great or anything! Anyways, I need to finish the drawing for my school’s art show,” Sanghyuk flushed brightly, sticking his hands into his pockets and tried to maneuver around Jaehwan’s still body, which was half blocking the way to his front door. Why did Jaehwan have to react like this where everybody could see him? Even though Jaehwan was thick skinned when it came to this sort of stuff, it didn’t stop those around him from suffering second hand embarrassment.  

“I just took Hyukkie’s first kiss!” Jaehwan squeaked to himself. “I tarnished his innocent soul. I hope Mama Han will forgive me.”

Sanghyuk couldn’t take it and roughly lifted Jaehwan up to his feet, “Hyung, don’t be weird. I’m already regretting it so please don’t make it worse! You’ve probably had better kisses.”

“No!” Jaehwan almost fell over himself, scrambling to latch both hands onto Sanghyuk’s cheeks. “Don’t regret it! It was the most amazing kiss I’ve had. I just wish I could give you my first kiss.”

“It couldn’t be helped,” Sanghyuk mumbled, staring down at his shoes due to the declaration, “I really don’t mind.”

Jaehwan responded by tenderly kissing Sanghyuk’s cheek, wrapped his arms around his waist, “How about you be the last person I’ll love?”

“Oh my god, _hyung_ , that’s so cheesy! Which drama did you steal that line from?” Sanghyuk whined, pressing his forehead against Jaehwan’s shoulder.

Jaehwan would never know how happy it made Sanghyuk to hear that proposition, even if it was grossly cliché. Sanghyuk laid in bed that night, touching his lips with his left hand before raising it upright. He examined it a bit before bringing it back down to his chest and curling his body around it.

An underlying promise of forever.   

—

Sanghyuk wasn’t the type to do anything that would only hurt him in the end, which was why he never stalked Jaehwan on social media in fear of catching a glimpse of a bright smile that could potentially send him over the edge. But, when the real deal was standing next to him, his eyes couldn’t help but be drawn to Jaehwan. Almost like a light at the end of the tunnel, except you weren’t sure if the light meant your salvation or doom.

“Hi,” Jaehwan sounded small as he tried to catch his breath, sweat trickling down the side of his face. He was covered in a thin sheen of sweat and had a sweatband pushing back his bangs. Essentially, Jaehwan was glowing.

For Sanghyuk, he knew the light meant nothing good for his wellbeing.

“Hey,” Sanghyuk replied with an equal amount of awkwardness.

Sanghyuk had managed two more days from his talk with Hongbin before he bumped into Jaehwan at the main entrance of their apartment building on a sunny Thursday afternoon without a way out. Hongbin told him to play nice and sort out things between him and Jaehwan, but at the moment, Sanghyuk was caught between punching Jaehwan and heading anywhere that wasn’t his apartment. Sanghyuk wasn’t going to walk up to his apartment in a cramped, musty stairwell with a sweaty Jaehwan.  

Sanghyuk pulled the glass door open, only managing a few centimeters when Jaehwan shot up in alarm, “W–Wait!”

“What?” Sanghyuk pushed his brows together, glaring at his own reflection in the glass. It was difficult to ignore Jaehwan’s voice, a new and old sound he had catalogued as beautiful on many occasions in the past.

“Can we talk?” Apprehensive. Jaehwan was seldom anything but feisty and loud. The words came out softly and it reminded Sanghyuk of those moments when they’d lay out on Jaehwan’s backyard to stare at the cloudless night sky. Their fingers would be interlocked between them and Jaehwan would talk nonsense about love and his undying feelings for Sanghyuk at a volume that only Sanghyuk could hear.

 _Communication_ , Hongbin’s disembodied voice called out at the back of Sanghyuk’s brain.

He stole a glance at Jaehwan through the glass. Sanghyuk wasn’t a teenager anymore; there was no room to be petty nor bitter over something that happened years ago, “There’s a coffee shop down the block.”

Jaehwan seemed to know what he was talking about, “With the bright pink flowers hanging on the windowsill?”

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk gave Jaehwan a once over and crinkled his nose. “You can meet me there, if you want.”

“Huh?” Jaehwan examined his body until it dawned on him what Sanghyuk was implying. “Oh! Okay. I’ll see you there then?”

Twenty-five minutes later and they’re sitting across from each other at one of the small outdoor tables. Sanghyuk spent the whole time nervously waiting on his phone, wondering why he even agreed to talk with Jaehwan. Two people at a small table, the distance between them measured only by the diameter of the table. This specific table had a diameter equivalent to four disposable napkins.

As the minutes passed, Sanghyuk grew increasingly antsy, moreso when he spotted Jaehwan approaching from the street corner dressed like he stepped off a GQ photoshoot. White v-neck under a black denim jacket with a watch and rings adorning his fingers, as well as vaguely styled damp hair– who was he trying to impress? Sanghyuk rolled his eyes after Jaehwan waved at him just before going inside to order something. Sanghyuk picked up his bubble tea and chewed the straw before drinking from it. He should’ve brought a flask to spike his tea.

And when Jaehwan sat down across from him, Sanghyuk beat himself up even more for not considering the idea sooner.

“What’d you want to talk about?” Sanghyuk huffed, rolling up the sleeves of his button up. He had to go to the office for a meeting with Hakyeon and business casual was the lowest Sanghyuk could go. It was starting to warm up and the amount of regrets Sanghyuk was having were starting to pile up. His whole day had been one uncomfortable thing after another.

“I don’t really know. I haven’t seen you for a long time and I just wanted to have a conversation with you,” Jaehwan admitted with a bashful smile. “Maybe catch up a bit?”

Sanghyuk’s face fell and he sighed, “Of course.”

Jaehwan frowned, “What?”

“Are you going to pretend you didn’t break up with me just so you could date a sunbae with a clear conscience?” Sanghyuk questioned flatly, staring Jaehwan dead in the eye. Hongbin said communication was important, but never gave Sanghyuk a do’s and don’ts list.

“Ah–” Jaehwan’s hand curled into a loose fist on the table when the air between them shifted. He had been taken aback by the sudden, but loaded, question, “That’s…”

Sanghyuk couldn’t say he was surprised, given how the Jaehwan he knew was more likely to sweep complicated issues under the rug.

“I’ve been over it for years but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you act like nothing happened between us,” Sanghyuk crossed his legs. “We can’t go back to how we used to be.”

They couldn’t go back to being best friends, conjoined at the hip, passing secrets into each other’s ear. It was impossible.

“I wasn’t going to pretend,” Jaehwan said tightly, “and I know. You have every right to hate me for what I did, but even having you talk to me again is enough.”

If he was eight years younger, Sanghyuk wouldn’t have been able to imagine he would be the one responsible for pushing Jaehwan into this sort of corner.  

Jaehwan paused, as if taking a moment to put together his next sentence, “I missed you, you know.”

Sanghyuk snorted in disbelief, “Are you seriously saying that now?”

“It’s the truth,” Jaehwan retorted defensively, his brows pushed together in confusion. “Is there something wrong with that?”

If your first love, who also happened to be responsible for your most painful love, said they missed you after so many years but never bothered to go after you, then how could you not be liable to some form of anger? It sounded so flimsical, like a shallow excuse for pity, like Jaehwan was the one who suffered the most.

“You were the one who ruined things between us so you only have yourself to blame for that.”

This was ridiculous.

“Do you need to keep on remind me? I get it,” Jaehwan almost shouted, irritation flaring in his eyes.

Sanghyuk’s own voice rose an octave, “How else am I going to get it through your thick skull?”

“You’re such a hypocrite,” Jaehwan scoffed, rolling his eyes with a less-than-amused smile. “What’s the point of saying you’re over it when you keep on bringing it up? Honestly, what crawled up your ass and died? I just wanted to talk, not pick a fight.”

Sanghyuk needed to compose himself before he did something he regretted (or something illegal).

“There’s nothing to talk about. And, even though I said I was over it doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you,” Sanghyuk picked up his drink and got up, lifting his chair to tuck it back under the table in a punctuated fashion. He purposely dropped the chair down, the sharp clatter of metal on concrete proving to emphasize his agitation.

“You’re lucky I didn’t punch you that night, hyung.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/zeroo_cb)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've already written the majority of this so hopefully I'll update chapters semi-regularly ;;;;

 

Once the summer was over, Jaehwan would leave for Seoul to start his freshman year of college. Come August, Sanghyuk would become a first year in high school. Jaehwan was going to be worlds away from him and Sanghyuk wasn't sure what he was going to do.

It wasn't like his college was very far from Daejeon– an hour by train at most– but it would probably be weeks between each time he saw Jaehwan versus the usual hours. Sanghyuk wanted to make the best of the time he had left.

“You know that movie with the dogs and they end up eating the same strand of spaghetti?” Jaehwan asked as they waited for their individual order of ramen, playing with the flimsy paper straw wrapper between his fingers.

Sanghyuk snatched the wrapper out of Jaehwan’s fingers, “You mean Lady and the Tramp? What about it?”

“What if that happens to us? Wouldn't that be cool? Romantic? Romantically cool?” Jaehwan chortled at himself, his hands cupping his chin.

“Um,” Sanghyuk blushed, crumbling up the wrapper between his fingers, “I guess. But we’re not eating out of the same bowl so it's not like it'd happen.”

“Let a man dream!” Jaehwan puffed out his cheeks and made a small _hmph_ sound.

The temperature was starting to rise in accordance with the passing of the first day of summer and Jaehwan wanted to try a new ramen place in Seoul. His mom gave her permission to let him go since he was going with Jaehwan, a responsible eighteen year old. Sanghyuk refrained from commenting that Jaehwan’s mental age didn't always quite match his physical age. He was also going to be fifteen soon so it wasn't like he needed to be chaperoned for every small excursion.

“Wouldn't it be gross to...kiss...while eating?” Sanghyuk asked, his ears burning hotter as he muttered _kiss_ like Zeus would smite him for saying it aloud.

Jaehwan paused, a look dawning on his face that implied he hadn't even thought of that matter, “It’d be gross if you ate something that tasted gross beforehand?”

Sanghyuk blinked, then snorted as he was overcome with a mix of disbelief and amazement, “That would that be something you’d say.”

They walk around the city after filling their stomachs, shopping around (mostly Jaehwan) and traversing the streets until sundown. When the sun began to dip under the horizon, they made their way to the riverfront. The view was different and the river bent in a different direction, but it was still the same river he and Jaehwan saw in their home city. They were sitting at the top of the riverbank, their hands mingling with each other in the grass.

He was going to miss this– miss _Jaehwan_.    

“I won't be able to see you everyday anymore. It’s going to be boring without you…” Sanghyuk quickly confessed, embarrassed at how childish he sounded. Jaehwan didn't say anything; he just smiled like he had won the lottery and fastened their hands together tightly.

If anything, Sanghyuk was the one who won the lottery.

—

“You know there are laws against unpaid labor, right?” Sanghyuk bumped his shoulder against Taekwoon, causing Taekwoon to stumble a bit. “Remind me again why Wonshik-hyung couldn’t pick you up?”

Taekwoon knocked the back of his hand against Sanghyuk’s head lightly, “He’s busy with work and you’re not.”

“Your own boyfriend couldn’t take thirty minutes out of his day to make sure you get home safely? Sounds rough. I wouldn’t be surprised if you guys went to couple’s counseling,” Sanghyuk teased fearlessly. It wasn’t that much trouble for Sanghyuk to do Taekwoon a favor and give him a ride home from rehearsal. The teasing was just an inherent part of their relationship that Taekwoon was forced to get used to after Sanghyuk’s second year of college.

Taekwoon rolled his eyes and yanked on Sanghyuk’s ear, “I’ll buy you food.”

“Oh, hyung,” Sanghyuk swooned, “you’re so nice.”

He may have been shaken when he first saw Jaehwan and might’ve been struck into a piss poor mood the other day, but Sanghyuk wasn’t going to let Jaehwan affect him anymore. Coexisting wasn’t a problem so long as Jaehwan minded his own business.

“I can go without the sarcasm.”

“I think it’s my most charming point.”

“Taekwoonie-hyung!” Taekwoon turned toward whoever was suddenly calling out for him. Sanghyuk stilled– he knew that voice– and stayed put when Taekwoon had wandered off. He took his phone out, acting like he was too preoccupied to follow after Taekwoon.

Taekwoon didn’t go very far since Sanghyuk could still clearly hear his response, “Yes, Jaehwan?”

“Why do you always run away from me?” Jaehwan whined over the sound of footsteps. Ever since he and Jaehwan reunited, Sanghyuk didn’t think he heard Jaehwan talk to him in the way he was talking to Taekwoon.

Sanghyuk jammed his thumb down on the Internet app. He should check the weather for the week.  

“I wasn’t running away. I was going home.”

“Well now that I caught you, do you want to go get dinner?”

It looked like there was a heat wave coming at the end of the week. Oh, maybe he should reply to some comments on his webcomic too while he had a browser open. Better yet, he should go wait for Taekwoon in his car.

“Wonshik’s busy so my dongsaeng is taking me home right now.”

“Oh, is that him over there? He can come too– the more the merrier!”

Taekwoon was most likely facing away from Sanghyuk as he didn’t say anything about Sanghyuk walking away until after Jaehwan pointed him out, “Yah, Sanghyuk! Where are you going? Come here!”

Sanghyuk clicked his tongue. Why was this happening to him?

“Don’t you have a loving boyfriend to go back home to?” Sanghyuk asked loudly, but strolled over to Taekwoon and Jaehwan regardless. Jaehwan was taken aback when Sanghyuk turned and approached them, not expecting to run into Sanghyuk like how Sanghyuk wasn’t expecting to run into Jaehwan.

“I said I’d buy you food,” Taekwoon reiterated, oblivious to how Jaehwan had stopped moving. “I’ll treat you to dinner now, if you’re not busy.”

“That depends on Jaehwan-hyung and if he can deal with whatever crawled up my ass and died,” Sanghyuk replied cheekily. Jaehwan was dressed much more casually than the other day and his hair was infuriatingly fluffy, like he was a pomeranian in disguise.

“Hello to you too Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan stiffly said, any previous playfulness he had displayed for Taekwoon gone. He and Jaehwan hadn’t talked since Sanghyuk walked out on Jaehwan, fuming.  

Taekwoon observed them perplexed, “You know each other?”

“We dated,” Sanghyuk said simply.

“It was years ago,” Jaehwan added.

He sort of felt bad for putting Taekwoon into this uncomfortable situation, but Sanghyuk had already made amends to not let Jaehwan affect him. He was going to act like he normally did and not let Jaehwan’s presence rile him up.

“We can get food another time…” Taekwoon suggested weakly. It was directed toward the both of them, but Sanghyuk chose to ignore Taekwoon.

“No, let’s get dinner now,” Sanghyuk wasn’t facing Taekwoon, directing his words more towards Jaehwan. He wasn’t going to back down. “But, if Jaehwan-hyung doesn’t want to come, that’s fine.”  

Jaehwan flared up, taking it as a challenge. Jaehwan had always been competitive to a fault and it was amusing to see that hadn’t changed. Obstinately, Jaehwan said, “I hope you know some good places to eat, hyung.”

“Taekwoon-hyung, I want meat,” Sanghyuk spared a glance toward Taekwoon expectantly. Although Taekwoon’s lips were pushed down slightly at the corners, it was a full blown frown in Taekwoon language. He didn’t look entirely happy with the sudden turn of events, but he relented, leading them away from where Sanghyuk had parked his car and made a point of walking between Sanghyuk and Jaehwan.

“Why is this happening to me?” Taekwoon muttered under his breath.

The five minute walk was abnormally silent and when they were seated at a four-chaired table at a small barbeque shop, Taekwoon made it so that Sanghyuk and Jaehwan had to sit next to each other. Jaehwan was behind Sanghyuk when they headed toward the table so Sanghyuk shot an angry glare at Taekwoon before sitting down. He made sure to kick Taekwoon to convey his feelings, who gripped his leg like an arrow just pierced through it.

Once their waitress took their orders, Sanghyuk went to burn holes into the table with his gaze.

“Hyung, how do you know Sanghyuk?” Jaehwan asked when it didn’t seem like Taekwoon nor Sanghyuk were going to fill the silence.

“College,” Sanghyuk answered for Taekwoon without looking at Jaehwan.

Jaehwan breathed a humorless laugh, “I was asking Taekwoon-hyung here.”

“I was a grad student when Sanghyuk was a freshman at the same college. We met through mutual friends,” Taekwoon said, then threw Sanghyuk his version of a stank face– narrowed eyes, pushed down brows, lips parted disparagingly.

Sanghyuk was glad Jaehwan didn’t try to ask any more questions about Sanghyuk. When Jaehwan and Taekwoon started to discuss the musical they were both apparently a part of, Sanghyuk took out his phone to pass the time. As long as he didn’t need to put up with Jaehwan prying into his life, Sanghyuk was fine.

Jaehwan didn’t seem to have a problem with Sanghyuk next to him as he conversed with Taekwoon without any hints of discomfort. He moaned and complained, which Taekwoon listened to intently with a nod every few sentences before offering his own input. Occasionally, he’d slump himself over the table until their drinks arrived. At that point, Jaehwan took a shot of soju instead.

Jaehwan then started recounting stories from their childhood to Taekwoon, who listened intently and in wonder, without contest. Sanghyuk sat there silently and helplessly aching for those carefree times. It didn’t help how heart wrenchingly happy Jaehwan sounded when Sanghyuk didn’t think Jaehwan had the right to look back on a friendship he ended with such fondness.

Later on, when they were done eating, Jaehwan had forced himself into Sanghyuk’s backseat saying, “Don’t be a bitch– I live next door to you.”

Sanghyuk lost count of the amount of times Taekwoon gave him that _You’re going to tell me about this later_ look.

And when they dropped Taekwoon off, Jaehwan wrestled his way to the vacated passenger seat from the back seat. Sanghyuk groaned and waited until Jaehwan clicked on his seat belt before pulling away from the curb.

It was a fifteen minute drive from Taekwoon’s place to their place and Jaehwan was in a strangely talkative mood. Whether if it was due to the alcohol in his bloodstream, or the lingering nostalgia from talking extensively about old memories with Taekwoon, Sanghyuk wasn’t sure. He was just tired and let Jaehwan babble without interruption over the low volume of the radio.

“So if you know Taekwoon-hyung from school, that means you also know Hakyeon-hyung too.”

“Yeah.” There was a red light ahead so Sanghyuk eased his foot on the break.  

“I was so sure they were dating when I first met them, but then I found out Wonshik was dating Taekwoon-hyung. I was so surprised because I knew Wonshik longer than Taekwoon-hyung and he didn’t tell me he was dating somebody! He always gets distracted so easily!”

“Uh huh.” Sanghyuk turned his signal on and made a left turn.

“You majored in studio art, right? Your mom complained to my mom about it for a while until you sold a few paintings your sophomore year.”

“Mmhm.” He needed to be in the leftmost lane so Sanghyuk turned his head to make sure there were no cars before he drove through two lanes of traffic.

“How’d you meet Taekwoon-hyung then? I’m pretty sure he was a theater major.”

“Through a friend who’s friends with Wonshik, who’s friends with Taekwoon, who’s friends with Hakyeon.” And at the third light, turn right. He didn’t drive from Taekwoon’s apartment to his own very often and hoped he didn’t make a wrong turn along the way. They were stuck at another red light when Jaehwan asked his next question.

“Did you date in college?”    

“ _What_ ,” Sanghyuk was startled away from the road for a brief second until he belatedly realized the light had turned green.

“That doesn’t answer the question, y’know.”

“Why do you want to know? It’s none of your business,” Sanghyuk shot back heatedly. If two bottles of soju could loosen up Jaehwan’s lips this much, Sanghyuk didn’t want to know what a fourth bottle could do.

“I’m just curious,” Jaehwan mumbled, the pout on his lips audible. “Puberty made you hot n’ stuff so I wouldn’t be surprised if you dated people.”

Sanghyuk tapped his fingers on the steering wheel impatiently. A drunk man’s words held no weight, even if that drunk man was your ex complimenting your looks, “You really are a lightweight.”

“You know I could hear you having sex that night? You guys were being really loud,” Jaehwan suddenly changed the subject and again, Sanghyuk was caught off guard. “I was scared you were some scary guy who could break my pretty nose if I asked him to be quiet.”

That was what Sanghyuk figured, but it was mortifying to have Jaehwan confirm that yes, he indeed did hear him and Hongbin that night, “I know the walls are thin, but your apartment was vacant for almost two months and I forgot somebody had moved in. You were also singing at weird hours when you first moved in so consider us even. Anyways, it won’t happen again if you’re that concerned.”

“Why?”

Sanghyuk’s ears burned but he kept his eyes on the road, “Why what?”

“Why won’t it happen again? Did you break up with your boyfriend? Is that why you were mad the other day?”

Hongbin was the furthest person from being his boyfriend. They were close and had hit it off when they met Sanghyuk’s freshman year in an art history class. The sex was casual and imagining Hongbin as his boyfriend was laughable.

“I’m driving right now. We’re not talking about my love life– it’s the least you could do since I’m giving you a ride home.”

“Fine,” Jaehwan said without any finality.

Silence filled the car, not that Sanghyuk minded. If Jaehwan had any more questions, he was refraining from agitating Sanghyuk’s nerves more than he already had. It caused Sanghyuk to fall into a false sense of security as only the sound of the streets and beat of the radio were the only audible elements for the next few minutes.

If it hadn’t been Jaehwan sitting in that passenger seat, Sanghyuk would’ve completely missed the small whisper of a confession, “I didn’t mean to hurt you so much back then.”

Sanghyuk didn’t pull his eyes away from the road, his only reaction being the tightening of his fingers around the steering wheel. Mentally, he braced himself for Jaehwan’s slew of excuses he had probably been saving for the day he crossed paths with Sanghyuk again.  

Jaehwan continued on, “I didn’t know what I wanted and I was swayed so easily. That relationship didn’t even last that long and I realized too late that it wasn’t worth the price. I still loved you, even after I broke up with her, but you didn't want to see me.”

In that first year, there were too many instances to count when Jaehwan tried to contact him, moreso three or four months after they broke up. He didn’t care about what Jaehwan had to say, or Jaehwan himself, at the time and he still didn’t. What use was there in Jaehwan claiming he still...still loved him after the fact? It didn’t change anything and it wouldn’t unshape Sanghyuk back into the person he used to be.

“Now I just want to know more about you. I wasn’t lying when I said I missed you.” And with a broken breath, Jaehwan mumbled, “I want to fix _us_ Hyukkie. What am I doing wrong?”

He wanted to ignore every single word that was coming out of Jaehwan’s mouth, but it all sounded so painstakingly raw and honest that it was beginning to get progressively harder for Sanghyuk to tune out. Even having Jaehwan address him with that affectionate nickname was beginning to be too much. Was it really this important for Jaehwan to pursue some semblance of friendship with Sanghyuk? For their lives to be intertwined, if only slightly?

“Can you…” Sanghyuk exhaled deeply, wetting his lips, “can you not cry in here?”

“Sorry,” Jaehwan sniffled. “I wish we could talk without arguing or you being mad at me.”

Sanghyuk peered over at Jaehwan to see he had gone to stare out the window, face hidden from view, slouched in the seat with his hands between his legs. And then Jaehwan started to play with his window, rolling it up and down in a way that could only be described as depressing.

Sanghyuk gnawed on his lower lip as they breezed by other cars and under street lights. Jaehwan was desperately trying to bridge the gap, hoping Sanghyuk would accept his attempt and lay down the first wooden board on his side of the canyon, nailing it in place.

“I work as an illustrator at a publishing house and I have a weekly webcomic I started during my senior year. I’ve dated three people in college and…I’m not seeing anybody right now,” Sanghyuk ended up saying a minute after driving in silence. It was too easy, being weak to Jaehwan. “I was angry because I used to be so angry at you for so long that it came out. You’re not doing anything wrong.”

Sanghyuk saw Jaehwan turn to face him with surprise, hardly expecting Sanghyuk to admit so much, from the corner of his eye.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you,” Sanghyuk pulled into his usual parking spot and shifted the car into park, but didn’t move to turn off the ignition. He felt defeated for some reason.  

—

“Are you sure you want to spend your last night at home playing my PlayStation on my bedroom floor?”

“Huh?” Jaehwan asked around a popsicle, mashing the buttons on his controller rather ineffectively. “Iz nawt wike I’m weabin fuhebah.”

Sanghyuk frowned and playfully kicked Jaehwan in the side, “Has no one ever taught you not to talk with your mouth full?”

Jaehwan brandished his middle finger before taking out the popsicle, causing Sanghyuk to laugh, “I said it’s not like I’m leaving forever. And there’s nothing wrong with me wanting to spend my last hours with you before I die. Jaeho said there was a lot of schoolwork and that I’ll probably die, but I think he’s half joking.”

Jaehwan was studying musical theater and he actually liked singing _and_ being dramatic so Sanghyuk couldn’t see how he could struggle.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Sanghyuk got up and rolled onto his bed. He laid sideways, propping his head up with his hand, watching Jaehwan try to mash his way through a round of Street Fighter.

Jaehwan had packed up the majority of his belongings over the course of the week and now he was all set to leave first thing the next morning. At around ten in the morning, Jaehwan showed up at his doorstep, insisting they hang out together until he had to go out for dinner with his family. So Sanghyuk indulged him a bit, going along with whatever whim struck Jaehwan. Even though they didn’t do anything special, Sanghyuk already knew he was going to miss Jaehwan like hell.

And, when Jaehwan came back from dinner, he showed up at Sanghyuk’s door yelling, “Sleepover!”

So again, Sanghyuk indulged Jaehwan while at the same time, indulging himself.

“Hyung, that’s not how you win,” Sanghyuk pointed out dully when the KO countdown reached zero and _Game Over_ hung at the bottom of the screen, nudging Jaehwan’s head with his toes.

Jaehwan batted Sanghyuk’s foot away and put down his controller in favor of pushing himself onto Sanghyuk’s bed, popsicle still hanging from his mouth. He then laid his back over Sanghyuk’s legs, his own feet still planted on the floor. Jaehwan didn’t say anything so Sanghyuk began to bump his legs up and down, dislodging Jaehwan off of him.

“Yah!” Jaehwan fumed. Sanghyuk grinned at him and moved himself closer to the wall, leaving more than enough room for Jaehwan. Jaehwan got the message and moved to sit by Sanghyuk’s chest.

“Don’t get any ice cream on my bed,” Sanghyuk poked Jaehwan’s hips. “Oh, I got you something too. I was going to give it to you tomorrow, but you’re here right now.”

“You got me a present?” Jaehwan asked, eyes twinkling as he closely watched Sanghyuk reach over to grab a small brown paper bag from his study table that was lined up against the head of his bed.

“Yeah, I got it while we were in Seoul.”

Jaehwan opened and dug his hand into it, a keychain with a mini Chopper figurine the gift that rested at the bottom. The high pitched squeal Jaehwan let out was almost on par with the sound of a dolphin and Sanghyuk let out a strangled noise when Jaehwan threw himself over Sanghyuk in an awkward one-armed hug.

“Thank you Hyukkie! He’s so cute!” Jaehwan said in a high-pitched voice around his popsicle stick. Sanghyuk sat up properly, wishing to not be crushed by Jaehwan again. “I’m so scared to use it– he’s going to get dirty!”

Sanghyuk couldn’t help the wide smile that was stuck on his face. It was definitely worth getting Jaehwan something if it made Jaehwan this vibrant, “I don’t mind if he does. Just don’t lose him.”

“I’d never lose Chopper!” Jaehwan said horrified, clutching the keychain close to his chest.

“If...if you ever miss me,” Sanghyuk ducked his head shyly. He couldn’t believe he was about to say something cringeworthy, but he was already halfway through the sentence. There was no turning back. “You can look at Chopper, or something….agh!” Sanghyuk covered his face with his hands to muffle the small dying noises he reactively made, “I can’t believe I said that.”

He wasn’t able to see Jaehwan’s reaction, but then arms were curling around him and there were loving lips being pressed all over his hands. Half of Sanghyuk wanted to die and the other half thought he was already in heaven.

“If I did that, I would be looking at him all the time, stupid,” Jaehwan said gently, caressing the back of Sanghyuk’s head soothingly. “Why do you think my phone’s wallpaper is a picture of you?”

Sanghyuk lowered his hands, “Didn’t I tell you to change it? I don’t like how I look in that picture…”

“Nonsense!” Jaehwan laughed as he pecked Sanghyuk’s nose and then moved to hold Sanghyuk’s hands in his own. “You’re so handsome and perfect. Nobody could ever replace you Hyukkie. You mean the world to me.”

—

It wasn’t immediate, but Jaehwan began to open up more around Sanghyuk. He was less cautious and more unabashedly perky– more like the Jaehwan from Sanghyuk’s memories. Maybe it was becoming apparent that Sanghyuk wasn’t going to blow up every single time they interacted and that was why Jaehwan was more likely to pull Sanghyuk into a conversation when they met in the mail room or pass by each other in the stairwell. There were a few days when they left their apartments at the same time to head out to work.

Jaehwan talked about whatever came to mind– the weather, the cute dog that went on walks outside their building every morning at eleven, how amazing a novel he read was, or how terribly his latest gaming session had gone. Sanghyuk didn’t need to mull over how to interact with this new Jaehwan because he was almost exactly the same as the Jaehwan he left behind.

It didn’t matter what they were talking about; Jaehwan had this unique charm about him that made you feel like you two were the only people left in the world.

It was almost like the nostalgia Jaehwan conjured up that night had subdued all of Sanghyuk inhibitions. In a way, it was like Sanghyuk had been submerged in the atmosphere of a cozy meadow that was filled with old footprints that led to different memories. It reminded him of the times Jaehwan would discreetly place stickers somewhere on Sanghyuk’s body so that Sanghyuk would have unique sun-made tattoos. He couldn’t find it in himself to get mad at Jaehwan once he saw how amazed the other was.

Fondly, he remembered one summer Jaehwan stuck small stars across the back of his calves and later they’d connect them into a make-believe constellation. That had been Sanghyuk’s favorite.

“Do you wanna come with me to go buy some home run balls?” It was midnight and Sanghyuk had been in the middle of storyboarding his next chapter when his doorbell rung. Jaehwan was standing on the other side, slightly hopeful with an expectation of rejection and swimming in a large white tee. Home run balls were Jaehwan’s favorite snack and he’d force Sanghyuk to go to the convenience store with him when he was craving the treat.

There was a saying food has a way of transporting you back to the past. Sanghyuk never tried out the theory with home run balls. They were somebody else’s go-to snack and he didn’t want to go back in time.   

“Your treat.” It was late, but it wasn’t like Sanghyuk had any pressing business to attend to in the morning anyways. It wouldn’t hurt to indulge Jaehwan, just this once.  

“Okay!” Jaehwan exclaimed much too eagerly for a trip to the convenience store, eagerly dragging Sanghyuk over the threshold of his door. “Oh, but I don’t know where it is.”

“Are you serious?” Sanghyuk didn’t know what to make of the arm linking him to Jaehwan, but regarded it like it was branding his skin. He may slowly be getting used to Jaehwan’s boisterous laughter, but his touch was a different thing. Sanghyuk couldn’t fight the flinch, but Jaehwan held steady, either having not felt the tug or was stubbornly persistent in having it his way.

“I haven’t lived here for that long and I haven’t had the chance to walk around,” Jaehwan clicked his tongue. Sanghyuk rolled his eyes and pulled out of Jaehwan’s hold so he could go get his phone and keys, leaving Jaehwan at the door.  

Sanghyuk hadn’t given it much thought before, but as he watched Jaehwan trot down the stairs, he was taller than Jaehwan. He had grown used to needing to crane his neck up at varying angles to make eye contact back then, his heels would need to hover a centimeter off the ground in order for him to kiss Jaehwan on the nose. Jaehwan had always been taller and bigger, provided Sanghyuk a sense of security.

“How far is it?” Jaehwan asked, falling into step with Sanghyuk once they emerged outside. Sanghyuk didn't glance over at Jaehwan, making sure to keep his sights on the desolate streets ahead.

“It’s a four to five minute walk. It’s around the corner and three blocks down,” Sanghyuk replied, then let out a long yawn. “It has good selection in ice cream and snacks. Ramen variety leaves a lot to be desired though. I usually go to the supermarket for instant ramen if I’m not lazy and they sell them in those boxes if you want that many.”

Jaehwan nodded, mentally cataloging the information, “So do you know how to cook or have you been living off of instant noodles?”

“Of course I know how to cook,” Sanghyuk replied. “What do you take me for?”

“How do I know if you’re not full of shit?” Jaehwan asked, jokingly condescending. It was only possible for Jaehwan to be this open since he wasn't the one to have his heart broken. Sanghyuk wanted to pick up and throw Jaehwan around for his doubts, but that would be too much.

A small shoulder bump was all it took for Sanghyuk to throw Jaehwan off balance, causing Jaehwan stumble off the curb of the sidewalk and into the street with a shocked, strangled yelp. Sanghyuk smirked to himself as he continued to walk. Once Jaehwan righted himself, he yelled at Sanghyuk and ran to smack the back of Sanghyuk’s head.

“I could’ve died, you ass!” Jaehwan screamed unabashed as fixed himself in front of Sanghyuk in order to force him to a stop. Sanghyuk laughed when Jaehwan started punching his chest with both of his hands, Jaehwan’s expression twisted up into an exaggerated anger.

“Well,” Sanghyuk grabbed both of Jaehwan’s wrists, suspending them between their bodies with surprising ease, “there weren’t any cars, were there? It’s not like I’d push you into traffic, stupid.”

Jaehwan sucked in a breath and stared at his hands before slowly peering up at Sanghyuk. Sanghyuk returned the look, his brain taking a mental pause though and leaving him hanging for a beat too long. The orange hue of the streetlight behind them caught onto Jaehwan’s dark brown eyes, brightening up wide eyes in the stagnant night.

In the face of intimacy, Sanghyuk managed to forget the bitter memories that plagued him.    

Sanghyuk averted his gaze a beat too late and released Jaehwan as he awkwardly coughed. He stepped around Jaehwan, in a rush to resume their convenience store trip, not too keen on dissecting that seconds long moment they just shared. Sanghyuk felt like he had just tripped over himself five times in a row and now words were just fumbling out of his mouth, “Anyways, I’ll cook you something sometime if you really don’t believe me.”

“Sure,” came Jaehwan’s voice distantly, “I’ll hold you to it.”

—

“I love you.”

Sanghyuk had been preoccupied with pushing his swing to the limit, the chains and screws screeching in protest, that he failed to register what Jaehwan had said. He dug his heels into the wood chips until he was dangling motionlessly next to Jaehwan.  

“What’d you say?”

Distantly, a street light flickered to life.

Jaehwan gnawed at his bottom lip then soothed his tongue over the area. Sanghyuk didn't think he’s seen Jaehwan so bashful before, reluctant to have words bursting out of his mouth. He waited for Jaehwan to say something, if he even wanted to repeat himself.

“I think I love you.”

Was he...mishearing? It was cold out so maybe his body was preoccupied with keeping itself warm that it lowered all of his other senses because not only could he not hear properly, he couldn’t feel his fingersdespite being wrapped in wool.

“What?”

The park didn’t have many lights so Sanghyuk could barely make out Jaehwan’s face as he wailed, “Don’t make me say it a third time! Just ignore me if you think it’s weird.”

Was this a prank? Jaehwan’s pranks were sometimes unintentionally mean spirited...  

Sanghyuk’s brain was still processing, failing to register the cold gust of wind that blew directly into his face, “You...love me?”

It didn’t appear to be the right the question to ask as Jaehwan made a strange, pitched noise at the back of his throat, “I don’t know! Whenever I imagine being with those girls from school, I can’t. But when I imagine it with you, it didn't look that bad. I like hanging out with you, even when we don't do anything and you listen to everything I say even though it’s sometimes weird or doesn't make sense.”

“Um…” Sanghyuk blinked and stared down at his feet. It might’ve been winter, but Sanghyuk’s armpits were sweating through his undershirt, “Really?”

“Yes!”

“And you like me?”

He didn’t know when he began to silently desire for more than friendship from Jaehwan. One day Jaehwan was asking if he wanted to go see a movie together and the next, Sanghyuk wondered what it would be like to hold Jaehwan’s hand in that dark theater. Not long after that, he wondered what he could do to make sure Jaehwan’s smile never faltered. And then he would be in math class and all he could think about was Jaehwan’s fingers guiding a pencil across his math homework, teaching him tips and tricks.

And, when Jaehwan recounted every confession he had received at school, Sanghyuk did his best to smile and offer Jaehwan an unbiased opinion. However, it made Sanghyuk distant if not for the fact he was jealous of those girls for having the courage to confess their feelings when he could not.

“Yes,” Jaehwan reconfirmed in a strangled voice.

Sanghyuk must be dreaming.

—

Sanghyuk woke with a jolt to the late morning sounds of the city, releasing one ragged breath after another as birds joyfully chirped over the beeping of cars and people talking outside his window. His covers were bunched up at the foot of his bed, some of it pooling onto the laminated hardwood floor, and he couldn’t stop thinking about the person living on the other side of his bedroom wall.

Things were going well with Jaehwan, better than expected actually. Sanghyuk wasn’t sure when the last time somebody was this interested in him was, but it was refreshing. Worst of all, talking Jaehwan was _nice_.

It had been almost three weeks since Jaehwan came back into his life and already old memories of happy times were resurfacing in the form of pleasant dreams, working outside of Sanghyuk’s wishes to stay away. His heart was craving what he used to have– the comforting, unique veil of arms wrapped around his waist and melodic giggles against his neck. Shared secrets under the playscape, pinky promises made on well traversed sidewalks.  

Sanghyuk let out a frustrated groan and flopped around in his bed. He threw his hand over the edge of the bed, flailing around for his discarded cell phone to check the exact time.  

_ >> morning (*^▽^*) _

_ >> did you watch the new op episode?? _

_ >> unless you dont watch it anymore ＼(;´□｀)/ _

Sanghyuk never changed his phone number, but had deleted Jaehwan’s contact information. It was mostly symbolic– Sanghyuk still knew Jaehwan’s phone number by heart. Apparently, Jaehwan’s number also hadn’t changed and he still knew Sanghyuk’s.

It was almost noon and the latest message from Jaehwan was forty-three minutes old. With his dream still fresh in his mind, his thumb hovered hesitantly over the message, caught between replying or ignoring. After indecisively fidgeting his thumb over the keyboard, Sanghyuk tossed his phone into his rumpled blanket and got out of bed. He went about his morning bathroom routine, brewed some coffee, booted up his computer, and scrolled through social media for around thirty minutes before he returned for his discarded phone mentally exhausted.    

_ << dont u have a job? like a normal adult? _

_ << i still keep up but i havent watched it yet _

Sanghyuk got a text back almost immediately.

_ >> yeah im at rehearsal right now lol _

_ << wtf stop texting me then _

_ >> so mean (/□＼*)・゜ _

_ >> you should come over later for dinner around 6 or 7 and we can watch the episode together _

_ >> my favorite foods are still the same (*・∀-)☆ _

_ >> ok bye! hehe _

_ << wait what _

Sanghyuk stared at his phone, wishing he could chuck it out the window. Or maybe at Jaehwan’s head. Or just go up to his window and let out an aggravated scream into the world. He wasn’t sure what to make of this new time commitment that was made without his input, but his reaction was simple– ignore it until he had to cross that bridge.

Except, it was all that occupied his brain for the next hour as he tried to put together the storyboard for the next chapter of his webcomic. Jaehwan’s favorite foods included every type of meat, three minute ramen, and all franchises of fast food out there. Sanghyuk wondered how Jaehwan could possibly be as thin as he was if he continued to enjoy indulging himself like he did when they were teenagers.

So, when there was pork belly roasting away in his oven for the next few hours, it wasn’t for anything special. He told himself it was just because he wanted to eat ramen and he happened to still have pints of homemade shoyu broth stowed away in his freezer. Might as well use it up before it lost most of its flavor.

“What,” Sanghyuk said blandly, raising his brows down at a freshly showered Jaehwan who tried to stick his head inside Sanghyuk’s apartment once the door opened, sniffing. If anything, it served to solidify Sanghyuk’s belief that Jaehwan was part dog. A small dog, specifically. One that would probably become enraptured with its tail and chase it for hours on end.  

“It smells good! What’re you making?” Jaehwan demanded, squeaking when Sanghyuk moved to block him from getting any further inside.

“Tonkotsu ramen,” Sanghyuk answered.

Jaehwan straightened up and backed away, pouting his lips and scrunching his brows together, “Can I hab some pwease?”

An exasperated sigh was trying to push its way out of Sanghyuk’s throat. In regards to unashamed use of aegyo, Sanghyuk found that Jaehwan truly was one of a kind, “Your aegyo seriously hasn’t changed.”

“Answer the question!”

Sanghyuk hummed thoughtfully, “Let me flip a coin.”

Jaehwan whined, dramatically clutching his stomach and keeling over in mock pain, “I’m starving!” It was objectively funny and cute all at once, but Sanghyuk refrained from commenting.

“I never said I made enough for two.”

Jaehwan broke character and glared up at Sanghyuk, void of any previous playfulness.

Sanghyuk rolled his eyes at the display, “I have enough for four bowls and One Piece queued up on my TV.”

Just because he happened to make more food than he could eat in one sitting and happened to have his laptop hooked up to his television with the latest episode of One Piece up didn’t allude to any deeper meaning nor desire. It was just a slew of coincidences and Sanghyuk being a kind neighbor. And if Sanghyuk was captivated with the way Jaehwan’s eyes lit up, well that was only for him to know.

Belatedly, Sanghyuk realized this would be the first time they were together in a non-public area. Which...shouldn’t make a difference because it wasn’t like anything was going to happen.

Which was how Jaehwan ended up on his living room sofa next to him, a respectable amount of space between them, slurping up ramen in front of his TV on a Thursday night. His living room was decently furnished, walls housing two funky paintings Wonshik gifted him for his latest birthday. He had pillows and blankets set aside for nights he was too lazy to crawl to his bed after a night of gaming or binge watching.

“You want seconds?” Sanghyuk pointed at Jaehwan’s empty bowl. Jaehwan had attacked the first bowl with so much vigor that Sanghyuk remembered the times when Jaehwan’s glasses would fog up when he ate steaming hot food and forgot to remove his glasses amongst the excitement.

“Yes, please!” Jaehwan said eagerly, passing his bowl into Sanghyuk’s open hand and pausing the video.

When Sanghyuk came back with refilled bowls for both of them, Jaehwan made weeping sounds as he shoveled a bundle of noodles into his mouth, “It’s so good! Hyukkie’s cooking is the best!”

But then he stopped and peered over at Sanghyuk cautiously, “Is it okay if I call you that?”

“Thanks,” Sanghyuk said as he went to resume the episode, ignoring the way the nickname made his stomach tingle. The night in his car was the only time Jaehwan had called him anything other than his given name. “And it’s fine.”

A grin blossomed on Jaehwan’s face and he turned to face the television again. They mostly sat in silence, save for their collective slurping, for the next ten minutes until the ending song started playing. Watching One Piece together with Jaehwan like they had during their teenage years was exactly like how Sanghyuk remembered it.

For the brief twenty-some minutes, Sanghyuk forgot about his mixed feelings for Jaehwan. They _ooh’_ d at the same parts, held tightly onto whatever was in reach (like their shirts or pillows), and collapsed into fits of laughter. It nauseatingly mirrored days gone by. Days that made Sanghyuk feel complete...

“Oh,” Jaehwan adjusted his body so that he was sitting on his side, facing Sanghyuk inquisitively, “by the way, didn’t you mentioned you have a webcomic? What’s it called?”

Sanghyuk forgot he had mentioned that small fact to Jaehwan, but even then he wasn’t expecting Jaehwan to be interested, “It’s called _Ready to Get Hurt_. It’s nothing big.”

“What?!” Jaehwan screeched, hands lunging to take hold of Sanghyuk’s shirt. Sanghyuk let out a strangled scream when Jaehwan practically pounced on him, helpless in the face of Jaehwan’s pitched shouting, “Nothing _big_?! That webcomic has been in the top five for the past year! It's my favorite webcomic!”

“Really? Thanks for liking it that much even though I have a lot of room for improvement,” Sanghyuk shyly laughed as Jaehwan went into a rant. Holy shit, Jaehwan was _really fucking_ close.

“The characters are so good, the art is beautiful, the romance is amazing and realistic! The chapter when Dongwoo revealed he was a vampire to Sooyeon was so well written! How do you speak to my maiden heart?”

Sanghyuk tried to get Jaehwan off him, who was practically trapping Sanghyuk down against the corner of the sofa he was sitting against. He had never met a fan in person before, mostly because he kept his online artist presence separate from his personal life, but now he knew he would get flustered if they rained praise down on him like Jaehwan.

He pushed flimsily at Jaehwan’s shoulder, pushing away newfound knowledge that included the type of body soap Jaehwan used and the image of his naked torso Sanghyuk managed to get an eyeful of through the window of his loose collar, “Thank you, but could you get off me?”

“My bad– force of habit,” Jaehwan blinked down at him and unclasped his hands, the mere centimeters in between their faces suddenly hitting him. He eased himself back so that he was sitting on his knees, albeit much closer than where he originally started out.

Sanghyuk wasn't purposely sensitive about these sorts of details, but it was too soon to be re-incorporating such physical aspects. Hell, Sanghyuk wasn’t sure if he wanted to be subjected to being wrestled to the ground at any point. Or rather, attempted to be if Sanghyuk wanted to be accurate.    

“You know, I was actually rereading your webcomic the other night and I was wondering if Sooyeon and Dongwoo are based off real people?” Jaehwan didn’t seem the least bit bothered about keeping his distance. “They’re really realistic.”

“They’re original characters...” Sanghyuk’s hyper awareness of Jaehwan was unwarranted– he needed to push it away somehow. “...Though I got some inspiration for their characters.”

“Is there a real life Sooyeon and Dongwoo walking around out there?”

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk said, maintaining a casual expression, “Sooyeon’s based off my favorite porn star and Dongwoo on a one night stand.”

It took a moment for Jaehwan to register the information, then with mortification he stuttered out, “W–What did you just say?!” Jaehwan then shot up with a burst of energy, “I need to wash your whole mouth, you dirty child! Where do you keep the soap?!”

Growing up, Sanghyuk remembered being embarrassed by Jaehwan’s wild reactions as Jaehwan did not shy away from being obnoxious in public. Sanghyuk thought they were over the top, unable to understand the reason for it when a much more subdued reaction would be much more acceptable.

Interacting with Jaehwan now though, Sanghyuk was starting to derive some entertainment from the way Jaehwan flailed around, flustered and loud. Adorable was the first word to pop up in Sanghyuk’s brain, but he chased it off. He shouldn't, couldn't, be associating Jaehwan with that word. Charming was a better word to describe Jaehwan when he got like this.

“I’m messing with you hyung,” Sanghyuk cracked a self-satisfied smile, “but you know I’m twenty-three, right?”

Sanghyuk found himself in a headlock not even a second later, Jaehwan’s knuckles grinding into his skull mercilessly. Jaehwan exerted more force when Sanghyuk began to laugh like he was unfazed by the abuse his hair was taking.

This much, Sanghyuk thought, was okay.   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :p  
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/zeroo_cb)


	3. Chapter 3

 

There were at least five different firework showings over the course of the summer and Jaehwan insisted they go to one by themselves without their other friends. Sungjae offhandedly told him to make sure to use protection, which earned Sungjae a kimchi stain on his white shirt.

“I’ll treat you to whatever you want,” Jaehwan proclaimed, waving a leather wallet in his hand as they headed toward the station. It wasn’t the nicest night, due in part to the humidity, but fireworks at the river should be manageable if Sanghyuk got himself a sugary drink or some ice cream.  

“Wow, you’re so nice hyung, bragging about finally having a job,” Sanghyuk held out his hand for the wallet. Jaehwan passed it to Sanghyuk, who opened it in order to take out Jaehwan’s license with a snicker. Jaehwan had gotten the photo ID a few weeks ago and Sanghyuk liked to poke fun at the photo that was immortalized on the plastic card for years. “I can tell you stayed up really late the night before playing games.”

While his glasses helped lessen how tired he actually looked, the bags under Jaehwan’s eyes were deeper than usual in the shot and his eyelids were drooping so much that it looked like he would fall asleep at any moment. Jaehwan let out a squeak and yanked both his wallet and license out of Sanghyuk’s possession, “No one said you could look!”

“Now you know how I feel about your phone’s wallpaper,” Sanghyuk gestured at Jaehwan’s phone, which was lodged in the pant pocket on the side Sanghyuk was walking on.

Jaehwan tucked the card back into his wallet, behind a bundle of receipts, and stuffed it into his back pocket, “You always look good in photos and I have moments when I’m caught completely off guard. The lady didn’t even let me see my picture until they printed it out.”

“Eehh,” Sanghyuk took Jaehwan’s hand into his own, “I don’t think so.”

They’d been dating for almost six months and Jaehwan still got shy whenever Sanghyuk was the one to initiate anything like holding hands and kissing. Jaehwan would go pause for a second, then his body would resume whatever he was doing. In this case, Jaehwan’s arm had gone stiff for a moment.  

The harbor wasn’t very far from the station they got off on and as they walked down the street, the the number of food stands, and people, increased as they got closer. Along the way, Jaehwan bought himself cotton candy while Sanghyuk was fine with a lemonade. For every piece of cotton candy Jaehwan would rip of for himself, he’d thrust another into Sanghyuk’s mouth.

Sanghyuk chewed on the small bendy straw that was sprouting out of his drink as Jaehwan continuously talked himself into and out of getting a certain food or drink or toy. They were holding hands to make sure they didn’t get separated by the crowd and as a result, Sanghyuk was mercilessly dragged around until Jaehwan made up his mind and stopped backtracking.

They walk around for maybe fifteen minutes before they search out a good area to watch the fireworks. It might’ve been the most unspectacular thing they’ve done together, walking around in a crowd, but nothing ever had to be over the top for Sanghyuk to enjoy the moment they were sharing. And even if they were doing something mundane, they knew how to make their own fun.  

“This isn’t a bad spot,” Jaehwan said after leading him toward the bank by the bridge and pulled Sanghyuk down to sit on an inclined patch of dry grass.

“It’s sort of far, isn’t it?” Sanghyuk asked, trying to not accidentally trip down the incline and fall into the river as he lowered his body. Compared to the crowd they had to walk through, this area could be considered deserted.

Jaehwan hummed and let go of Sanghyuk’s hand in favor of curling around his waist, “But this way, I can kiss you and you won’t complain about there being people around.”  

Sanghyuk smacked Jaehwan’s chest in repulsion, “You’re such a perv! If I don’t like seeing people kissing and stuff in public, what makes you think I like doing it at all?”

Jaehwan only giggled, hugging Sanghyuk and resting his forehead on Sanghyuk’s shoulder, “I’m only a pervert for you. But you know I’m only kidding– I’d rather kiss you when there aren’t a lot of people around.”

Sanghyuk blanched, “That doesn’t make it any better.”

As if to shut him up, Jaehwan kissed Sanghyuk. Sanghyuk gasped at the sudden action and suddenly he could taste the concentrated flavor of sugar on his lips and tongue.

“Ugh, seriously...” Sanghyuk mumbled, making a point to wipe his lips with the back of his hand when they pulled away.

“You looove me though,” Jaehwan sing-songed and he was unfortunately right. Maybe it was because he loved Jaehwan too much to actually scold him or maybe he just hated the way Jaehwan’s shoulders would droop when he was upset.

Sanghyuk splayed his legs out and tipped his head back up toward the sky, “Yeah, I do. I’m in love with a pervert.”

Jaehwan grinned from ear to ear and then, four flares were flying high into the sky. Orange lights exploded in the air, and then two more sets of four were sent up in a cascading fashion. A bright pink, followed by a deep red colored the surrounding area and Sanghyuk forgot what he was just talking about. His chest boomed with each vibration from the explosion, shaking his mind blank.

“Pretty…” Sanghyuk gaped.

“Just like you,” Jaehwan said tenderly as they watched the bright colors decorate the sky.

Sanghyuk would’ve played it off and shot back a sarcastic remark, but the flare of heat that rose from his neck caused his voice box to malfunction. Rarely did they ever make comments that came off so deeply endearing. Sanghyuk felt weirdly shy.   

“You're so precious to me, Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan confessed in a whisper, louder than the explosion of fireworks. “I don't know what I’d do if you weren't around.”

—

“Aawww, you’re so cute. Who’s a good boy? You are!”

“What are you doing?”

Jaehwan had been squatting in workout clothes, earphones dangling from his sweaty neck, cooing at a shiba inu tied to a bike rack in a tiny voice near their apartment when Sanghyuk was on his way to the subway station. This was the most unguarded Sanghyuk had seen him, openly cooing at a dog so much that Jaehwan’s cheeks were pushing his eyes closed. Jaehwan fell onto his butt startled when Sanghyuk suddenly came up from behind and started talking.

“Ack! You scared me!” the shiba continued to pant happily, trotting over to sniff Sanghyuk’s shoe. Sanghyuk kneeled down to scratch the back of the shiba’s ear, who keened into the touch and made Sanghyuk smile.

“Such a cute guy,” Sanghyuk mumbled to the dog, moving his hand to scratch under the dog’s mouth. The shiba’s tongue lolled out of its mouth, as if it was enjoying the compliment. Sometimes, he wished his life could be as simplistic and worry-free as a dog’s, “Yeah, that’s a good boy.”

“Wow,” Jaehwan said with amazement, “your face can still do that…?”

Sanghyuk paused his hand, much to the shiba’s chagrin, “Huh?”

Jaehwan was examining him with wonder until he noticed Sanghyuk was staring right back at him. He coughed into his hand and tried to redirect focus to the shiba, his hand going to rub the side of its head, “Nothing.”

Sanghyuk’s mean streak didn’t want to let it go so he scooched closer to Jaehwan. Jaehwan tensed up. “What? Why’re you staring at my face hyung?”

The afternoon sun beat down on their backs, the air muggy, and a drop of sweat trickled down Jaehwan’s cheek as Jaehwan was actively trying to keep his eyes on the shiba, “Nothing! Gosh!”

“I don’t believe you,” Sanghyuk grabbed Jaehwan’s bicep and jostled it around, failing to ignore how firm it felt under his touch. Jaehwan groaned, trying to wrestle his arm away.

A few days ago, he noted that Jaehwan typically wore loose fitting clothing and while it made Jaehwan appear smaller, it also hid away the shape and curve of his body. All of that sweat wasn’t just for show and, for a fleeting moment, had Sanghyuk wondering about the other muscles Jaehwan was hiding.

It was only natural for him to be curious. He was an artist and had spent four years studying the human form and doing life studies. How else was Sanghyuk suppose to think? It was similar to how Jaehwan had a compulsion to sing along to whatever song came up on shuffle late at night. Singing was part of his profession as a musical actor. Sanghyuk’s thought process was due to his profession as well.

“Sometimes it's like you're a different person from the one I grew up with. You always look serious, even when you’re happy,” Jaehwan surrendered, his cheeks flushed. “And just now, your face was all mushy like it was back then. Your eyes and nose were crinkled up and I have no idea what I’m talking about–haha! Wow, this dog is adorable!”

“...Oh,” was all Sanghyuk managed to respond, letting go of Jaehwan and watching him fuss over the dog. It was true that as Sanghyuk got older, he seldom showed the fullest extent of his emotions outwardly. For Jaehwan to essentially say he looked at Sanghyuk’s face frequently though, how was he supposed to react to that? His quick quips were failing him.

The answer was, he shouldn’t. “Didn’t you used to want a dog like this?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think it’s possible,” Jaehwan answered sadly, propping his hand on top of the dog’s head.

Sanghyuk remembered that there was a golden retriever in their neighborhood that Jaehwan was absolutely in love with and Jaehwan had fantasized about adopting his own. He liked to imagine going on walks and playing games with a dog, as well as teaching it tricks and enjoying the companionship that came with owning a pet. Jaehwan leaned toward breeds that were similar to him in personality– energetic and always willing to play.

Sanghyuk frowned, “Why not? You might not be able to have a big dog, but our building allows pets.”

“I read somewhere that it’s not always good to leave dogs alone for too long because they get lonely. My schedules can be long and irregular,” Jaehwan dropped his hand and shrugged a _what can you do_? It was disheartening to have your own life become an obstacle.    

“That would be a problem…” Sanghyuk supposed and scratched his cheek. He took a few seconds for himself before saying, “I mostly work from home, so umm…”

Jaehwan blinked at him, doe-eyed and all.

“If you do get a dog, I can take care of it when you’re away…? Take it out on walks and stuff,” It was just a polite gesture so Sanghyuk had no reason to be so timid in his offer. He liked dogs and it would be a shame if he lived next door to a dog that suffered from boredom and he didn’t do anything about it.  

Sanghyuk was only vaguely offended when Jaehwan looked at him like he had grown two heads, “Stop looking at me like that. I like dogs too.”

“I know,” Jaehwan was grinning at Sanghyuk, the apples of his cheeks supple like a baby’s. “I wasn’t expecting you to offer.”

—

_“Oh I miss you, you know...”_

“Fuck, it's hot,” Sanghyuk inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, hoping to calm his breathing and heart rate. Faintly, he could hear the strum of acoustics through his wall.

_“And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you...each one a line or two...”_

Hongbin pushed Sanghyuk off his dick and back onto the bed, grabbing a handful of tissues to wipe off the cum that was splattered over Sanghyuk’s stomach. Once he got around to cleaning himself and tossing the condom into the waste bin, Hongbin laid down next to Sanghyuk, nudging him to rest on his side.

Sanghyuk sighed, adjusting himself so that Hongbin could throw an arm and leg over him, “Isn't it too hot for cuddling? I'm sweaty everywhere. And you could at least put on underwear– I don't want to feel your limp dick on my butt.”

“Too hot and too bad,” Hongbin mumbled into Sanghyuk’s back, his arm slinking through limbs to rest on Sanghyuk’s chest. “I thought you said Jaehwan wasn't going to be home. He’s singing a sad English song this time.”

“What? You think I did this on purpose?” Sanghyuk pushed his head back to thunk against Hongbin’s. At least this time, Jaehwan wasn’t singing like he was aiming to be annoying. “You know I’m not into exhibitionism.”

_“Let me go hooooooome…guuhhhhuuuhuuh...”_

Jaehwan fell into over exaggerated sobs, followed by a broken _“Michael-sunbaenim!”_ He began singing again a few measures later. It wasn’t necessarily out of the ordinary, but Jaehwan’s singing stood out when there was nothing else to focus on.   

“Is he...okay…?”

Hongbin was the person Sanghyuk ranted to the most, especially when it came to Jaehwan. Rather, Hongbin was the only person Sanghyuk could talk to about Jaehwan because everybody else in their friend group was somehow acquainted with him.

However, there was hardly anything for Sanghyuk to complain about. In the beginning, he had hoped he could find something about Jaehwan he could be critical over, but there wasn’t anything noteworthy enough to warrant his wrath.

“He's dramatic as hell,” Sanghyuk replied, waving a dismissive hand. “If he wasn't being over the top, then something’s wrong. Anyways, what do you want for dinner?”

“Anything is good,” Hongbin thrummed his fingers on Sanghyuk’s chest. “I think this is going to be the last time I do this sort of stuff with you.”

Sanghyuk wasn’t upset, given that this had only been a physical arrangement to begin with, but he rolled over to face Hongbin, “Your timing is impeccable hyung.”

“Don't pretend to be hurt for my sake,” Hongbin snorted. “I’m going on a date with Hakyeon-hyung this weekend.”

It was the first Sanghyuk had heard. “Like an actual date or just hanging out? Because you and I know Hakyeon-hyung refers to everything as a date– brunch dates, lunch dates, dinner dates, beach dates, doctor dates, etcetera.”

“Like, a movie, dinner at a nice place, long walks by the beach,” Hongbin listed off. “Actual romantic stuff.”

“Holding hands?” Sanghyuk propped himself up on his elbow and leered at Hongbin, “Kissing?”   

“Shut it,” Hongbin kicked Sanghyuk away and retreated toward the opposite side of the bed, sitting up with mild annoyance. “Get up, you ruined the mood. I’m hungry now.”

Sanghyuk cackled loudly, but obliged, “My underwear is somewhere over there. Can you pass them to me?” Hongbin tossed them to him after digging through the sheets.

“Your underwear is so boring,” Hongbin noted dully, shimming on his own dog-printed boxers. “I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to notice.”

“I have too much pride to wear Rilakkuma undies, sorry.”

Hardly in the mood to cook, Sanghyuk proposed the food cart that was typically stationed two streets and a block over. It wasn’t too far of a walk and Sanghyuk would be able to poke fun at Hongbin without worrying about the volume of their voices.

“Oh, Hyukkie,” just as Sanghyuk stepped out of his apartment, so did Jaehwan. It was as if they both had a sixth sense for when the other would be going out because it was supernatural how often it happened. Though Jaehwan’s rigid smile was what struck Sanghyuk first, not the unnatural coincidence.

“Hi hyung,” Sanghyuk greeted, stuck in place. While his relationship with Jaehwan was alright, in the loosest sense, Sanghyuk felt like it would be too nosy of him to ask Jaehwan why he looked so troubled. It was the first time (in a long time, technically) Sanghyuk had seen Jaehwan in such a mood, given how he had gotten used to weeks of aegyo, pouts, and overall positive aura.   

“Sanghyuk, you going?” Hongbin prodded him from behind, wondering why Sanghyuk was just standing around. Sanghyuk had forgotten about Hongbin for the brief moment and let out a startled yelp at being unexpectedly touched. Hongbin peeked over Sanghyuk’s shoulder and made eye contact with Jaehwan.

“Yeah, my bad,” Sanghyuk said, stepping to the side so Hongbin could get through and Sanghyuk could lock his door.

“Who's your friend, Hyukkie?” Jaehwan asked conversationally, still standing in their hallway and not on his merry way to who knows where. Sanghyuk narrowed his eyes at his door as he locked it, but said nothing.   

“I’m Lee Hongbin, nice to meet you,” Hongbin smiled, dimples and everything, and put out his hand.

“Lee Jaehwan,” Jaehwan said wearily, face flat, shaking Hongbin’s hand. “Are you close with Sanghyuk?”

Sanghyuk scrunched his brows together. The animosity coming off of Jaehwan was unnecessary, unwarranted, and unexplainable. He didn’t like how Jaehwan was treating Hongbin, like Hongbin was the source of his negative mood and he couldn’t help the bitterness in his tone. The least Jaehwan could do was feign politeness and not be rude to Sanghyuk’s friend.  

“Why does it matter to you?”

“Relax,” Hongbin said to Sanghyuk, patting Sanghyuk’s shoulder in an easygoing manner. “I’d say we’re close. At least, I hope we are since I’m usually the one who brings his drunk ass home.”

“That was only during college. Don’t make me sound like an alcoholic, hyung,” Sanghyuk pouted. Hongbin snorted with a smirk, shaking his head like Sanghyuk didn’t know what he was talking about. While it was true Hongbin was typically the one who made sure he got home, he only ever had to depend on Hongbin five times, at most.

“Thanks for taking care of Sanghyuk then,” Jaehwan said rather indifferently, further grating on Sanghyuk’s nerves. Jaehwan was acting like an ass.

Unfazed, Hongbin responded, “No problem!”  

“Anyways,” Sanghyuk didn't like the look on Jaehwan’s face, bridling volatility with hostility and vulnerability bubbling underneath, “I was just going out somewhere with Hongbin-hyung. Bye.”

Hastily, he yanked Hongbin away before Sanghyuk’s fingers found themselves buried in the collar of Jaehwan’s shirt.

“Wait, let go of me you brat!” Hongbin smacked Sanghyuk’s arm uselessly when Sanghyuk suddenly dragged him away by the wrist, then quickly turned back toward Jaehwan with a wave. “It was nice meeting you!”

Hongbin may have been at a loss when it came to Sanghyuk’s attitude and actions, but Sanghyuk disliked the way Jaehwan was regarding Hongbin. If Jaehwan had some personal problems going on, then he shouldn’t take it out on people he barely knew. Sanghyuk was more peeved and less concerned with what was upsetting Jaehwan.

—

“Um…” Sanghyuk started off slowly, eyes darting between the three men at his door, “can I help you?”

Wonshik, who was at the forefront, asked, “You wanna come hang out with us?” Taekwoon was tapping at his phone and Jaehwan offered Sanghyuk a shy smile. Sanghyuk blinked at them, then down at his choice of clothing. A tank top and boxers were the most Wonshik would get out of Sanghyuk, especially when he knew Wonshik was the one on the other side of the door.

“Where are you going?”

“There’s a street carnival near the river and I told Taekwoon-hyung I’d win him one of those big stuffed animals,” Wonshik stated and Sanghyuk squinted in confusion at him.

“You're terrible at those sorts of games, no offense. I’m sure Taekwoon-hyung wouldn't mind if you went out and bought one instead.”

“Not the same,” Taekwoon said without glancing away from his phone. If Taekwoon kept on going like this, he was going to build himself a case of sadism.

Wonshik sighed pitifully, “So, you wanna tag along?”

Sanghyuk snorted, “And be the awkward third wheel? No thanks.”

“You’ll have Jaehwan-hyung.”

“Hey! I’m not some bargaining chip!” Jaehwan hissed, yanking on Wonshik’s hair. He was acting normal, unlike the time when Hongbin had been over. “Hyukkie, you should come so I’m not left alone with these two lovebirds.”

Wonshik _could_ go overboard with the PDA sometimes and forget he was in the company of people, but Jaehwan’s comfort wasn't Sanghyuk’s concern, “Then why are you going?”

“Cotton candy? Fair food? Rides?” Jaehwan listed off like it was obvious why somebody like him would deal with being a third wheel for a whole night. It was very Jaehwan-like, although Jaehwan stared at him expectantly with a quiet hope.

Sanghyuk _hmm_ ’d thoughtfully. He wasn't doing much that night and would probably stay up watching YouTube videos. He would also be spared a night of Jaehwan’s soulful singing and nagging through their shared wall. But, when he imagined having a quiet night, it seemed boring. Against all odds, Sanghyuk had gotten so used to the noise that he might be starting to derive some sort of joy from it.

“Thought we’d ask since you apparently live next door to Jaehwan-hyung,” Wonshik shrugged. “You don't have to come.”

An hour later, Sanghyuk was observing Wonshik and Jaehwan attempt to conquer a balloon darts game. The two of them looked close and if Sanghyuk were a stranger, he would’ve thought they were together. Wonshik was so physical with Jaehwan and Jaehwan would laugh in earnest at Wonshik’s antics.  

Whenever Jaehwan missed, he’d squawk and Wonshik would rub his neck in consolation. Jaehwan would accept it and be reinvigorated with determination. When Wonshik flubbed a throw, Jaehwan would tilt his head back and let out an open mouth laugh that pained Sanghyuk to witness. Taekwoon didn’t seem to mind, but Sanghyuk wanted Jaehwan to stop acting like he was on a date with Wonshik if only to stop the twist in his stomach.   

After two rounds, Sanghyuk had grown tired of standing around and decided to take matters into his own hands. He wasn’t a scrooge but seeing Jaehwan live a perfectly cheerful life, despite the ups and downs, while Sanghyuk barely had much that made him truly happy was completely unfair.

He was pushing his milkshake into Taekwoon’s open hands and making his way toward the counter after witnessing Jaehwan and Wonshik’s terrible attempt at balloon darts.

“You're all hopeless,” Sanghyuk sighed deeply and slotted himself between Wonshik and Jaehwan. “I'm a pro.”

Wonshik hit Sanghyuk’s neck with a snort, “If you're a pro then Hongbin’s a god.”

If Jaehwan bristled at the mention of Hongbin’s name, Sanghyuk didn’t notice.

“Alright, but Hongbin-hyung isn't here so I’m the next best thing,” Sanghyuk retorted, placing three thousand won on the counter in return for seven darts. It was a good thing he decided to wear contacts.

When the next round started, Sanghyuk stood straight, raised the first dart, and threw it. As soon as the dart left his hand, the decisive pop of a balloon followed. He repeated the same stance with the second dart, aiming for a different area of the board, “You’ve got to throw it with a lot of force and good technique to make sure it goes through the balloons. These things are dull as hell.”

Out of the seven darts, he was only able to pop six balloons. Sanghyuk clicked his tongue when he missed a balloon, but he was only doing this for fun rather than for a prize. The vendor congratulated him and said he could pick from any of the medium-sized stuffed animals.

“Do any of you guys want it?” Sanghyuk asked the three of them. He didn't want a stuffed animal that would only collect dust, though if none of the hyungs wanted it, he could just gift it to his older sister. Wonshik shook his head and Sanghyuk already knew Taekwoon wanted a stuffed animal that resulted solely from Wonshik’s labor.

“Me!” Jaehwan jumped up to the counter with excitement in his step and began to browse the selection before Sanghyuk could say anything, “Get me that teddy bear, Hyukkie.”

Sanghyuk searched for the aforementioned bear and found it toward the opposite side of the booth, dangling from a bar above. It was probably half Sanghyuk’s size and looked like your typical teddy bear with a red ribbon tied neatly around its neck. Sanghyuk gave the vendor with a polite smile and pointed toward the teddy bear.

He thanked the vendor as he took it into his arms and faced Jaehwan, who was beaming. The lights around them casted a golden glow onto Jaehwan’s skin, further brightening up his whole demeanor. Maybe it was just Sanghyuk’s imagination, but Jaehwan looked as huggable as the teddy bear he was about to hand off. An inviting warmth around Sanghyuk’s waist and pressure against his chest.

Breathlessly, Sanghyuk asked as he presented the stuff animal to Jaehwan, “Why’re you so happy about getting this?”

“Is it a crime?” Jaehwan stuck out his tongue and pulled the bear from Sanghyuk, wrapping his arms around the body lovingly. The way the teddy bear was pressed against Jaehwan’s body, Jaehwan’s head resting against the bear’s, the red ribbon bringing out the color in Jaehwan’s cheeks– it fit well, “You know, it sort of looks like you.”

Sanghyuk blinked, his thoughts jolting to a stop, and regarded Jaehwan like he had a screw loose somewhere, “How?”

Thoughtfully, Jaehwan gave him a once over, “You’re big and can be scary sometimes, but you’re actually soft and your presence is comforting. Like a teddy bear.”

Soft and comforting? Sure the hyungs would call him cute and he would easily shrug it off with sarcasm or mock disgust, but the quickening of his heartbeat was the only reaction pulled out of Sanghyuk. Why was he feeling shy all of the sudden?

“I can’t understand you sometimes,” Sanghyuk said under his breath, darting toward Taekwoon so he could get his milkshake back. He shouldn’t be reacting like this from a simple comment, especially one that implied he was a fluffy, cuddleable toy. It was just friendly teasing. His brain needed to stop overreacting to everything Jaehwan did.

Taekwoon, not one to miss any opportunities when it came to teasing Sanghyuk, smirked at him, “Are you blushing?”

Thankfully, Taekwoon hadn’t said it loud enough for Jaehwan to hear, but Sanghyuk felt his shoulders seize up and went to swipe his milkshake back, “No!” There was no reason for him to be blushing.

“You look happier these days,” Taekwoon noted offhandedly.

Sanghyuk raised two baffled brows, “Really? I don’t feel any different than usual.”

“Happier than when we had dinner with Jaehwan, but also in general.”   

“Of course I’m in a better mood compared to then...” Sanghyuk cleared his throat after drinking enough of his milkshake to cool down his cheeks. His brain nor body should be acting this way when it came to Jaehwan and Sanghyuk needed to figure out a way to make it stop. “Anyways, Wonshik-hyung, are you going to try again? I’ll give you some tips so that you can at least win something bigger than your face.”

It took nine thousand more won out of Wonshik’s pocket before he could win one of the bigger prizes. Sanghyuk offered suggestions to Wonshik to help him, like telling him in what direction to adjust his aim. Taekwoon ruffled Wonshik’s hair to convey his approval when Wonshik succeeded and Wonshik stuttered for a large lion plush. While Taekwoon was busy congratulating Wonshik with a chaste kiss on the cheek, Sanghyuk and Jaehwan stood off to the side.

“Can they not…” Sanghyuk grumbled, shaking his milkshake. There wasn’t much left and the calories were telling him to not go for another one.

“Are you still allergic to public displays of affection?” Jaehwan asked, though he thrusted the teddy bear into Sanghyuk’s face so that it seemed like the bear was talking.

Sanghyuk pushed the bear away, “No, just...they don’t need to brag about their relationship to the whole world. Some of us are single–” he then quickly added, “by choice!”

Everything Sanghyuk did was by choice, including the gap he placed between himself and Jaehwan as they waited for the couple. However, Jaehwan crossed over it nonchalantly like usual. Sometimes Jaehwan couldn’t take a hint and the unnecessary thoughts that ensued were a nuisance for Sanghyuk.

“I’d figure it was by choice,” Jaehwan lowered the teddy bear so that his face popped up over it, “since you draw a webcomic that has a great romance.”

Sanghyuk waited for the punch line, but when none came, “Seriously? You’re basing my love life on a fictional story I happen to write?”

“It’s not that unusual...” Jaehwan said. “Am I wrong?”

With a self-depreciating laugh, Sanghyuk replied, “Expectation and reality don’t always match up.”

His college relationships never lasted and Sanghyuk was always the one to break things off when it became too lackluster. It was tiring to go through a relationship with expectations that were unconsciously connected to a person who once made his day better by just existing. A person who was currently standing right next to him, in fact.

“Hey, are you guys coming?” Wonshik called out to them. Sanghyuk didn’t think he was that distracted with Jaehwan that he failed to notice Taekwoon and Wonshik watching them. Specifically Taekwoon and the slight narrow of judgement in his eyes. Sanghyuk quickly made his way over to the pair without waiting for Jaehwan’s response.

“Where’re you dragging us now?” he asked Wonshik to get his mind off the topic of romance and love.

“There’s going to be a small fireworks showcase by the river in half an hour.”

Sanghyuk deflated. He would’ve preferred playing more games or going on some rides, maybe even win a goldfish or two, “Really? You’re forcing me to bare witness to a cliché date?”

“Then go home!” Wonshik exclaimed, displeased with being attacked for his choices.

“I didn’t say I hate fireworks...”

“Hey,” Jaehwan said, coming up next to Sanghyuk, the teddy bear tucked under his chin protectively, “it’ll be like when we were kids.”

He didn’t hate fireworks, it was just that they happened to be tightly tied to memories of bygone summers spent with Jaehwan. Jaehwan, who Sanghyuk was stuck with and would also be attending the fireworks show.

Nostalgia seemed to be Sanghyuk’s fatal enemy.

When the four of them began the trek toward the river, Sanghyuk made a point to not notice how Wonshik and Taekwoon’s hands were conjoined the whole way. However, it didn’t stop Sanghyuk from remembering his own experience with Jaehwan when they went to see fireworks on their own when they were younger, talking and laughing about menial things. Even now, Sanghyuk could feel the ghost of fingers weaved through his own. Specifically the ones closest to Jaehwan.     

Wonshik and Taekwoon seemed to vaguely be absorbed in their own world so Jaehwan started talking to Sanghyuk about whatever came to mind. Random, menial things. Sanghyuk responded in kind because what else was he supposed to do? They talk about the latest One Piece episode for a bit, but then they started talking about how they both came to know the couple they were third wheeling.

(Jaehwan knew Wonshik through a college friend and Taekwoon through Wonshik.)  

By the time they arrived at the riverbank, there were already people sitting along the bank so they wandered around the area until Taekwoon found a spot big enough for the four of them with a decent view. Sanghyuk, tired of watching his friends being lovey-dovey, made sure to sit in front of them. He leaned back on his hands, the grass dry under his fingers, and breathed in the cool air.

Jaehwan settled down on his right, his knees brought up to his chest and the teddy bear between his legs. Quietly, he observed, “It’s a nice night for fireworks.”

Sanghyuk hummed in agreement. It was a nice night for it– there weren’t many clouds cloaking the sky and it wasn’t as muggy as it had been in the last few days. The crowd wasn’t dense and his skin wasn’t sticky with sweat.

It was a nice night and Sanghyuk was sharing this sort of night with Jaehwan for the first time in years.

“You take too many pictures of me. Take more with both of us in it,” Taekwoon complained softly to Wonshik. Sanghyuk fixed his gaze on a tugboat that was slowly making its way through the water on the other side of the river.

“I like taking pictures of you more than taking pictures with me in the shot,” Wonshik stated.

“Well, I like looking at pictures of you more than looking at pictures of just me.”

“What are they, five?” Sanghyuk questioned lowly.  

Only Jaehwan heard him and he chuckled quietly, “You used to be the same way. You got mad at me whenever I took pictures of you and saved them as my wallpaper on my phone.”

Of course Sanghyuk got mad– the pictures Jaehwan used as his wallpaper were the ones Sanghyuk looked terrible in but Jaehwan insisted looked fine. There was one instance when Sanghyuk accidentally elbowed Jaehwan in the face because he had wanted to forcibly change Jaehwan’s wallpaper. Jaehwan took more pictures of Sanghyuk than ones with both of them in the same shot claiming Sanghyuk’s face brought more joy to him when he flipped his phone open than his own.

“That’s because you used ugly pictures of me.”

“They weren’t ugly, they were adorable and lovely and warmed my heart.”

“You had shit eyesight.”

Bluntly and without issue, Jaehwan stated, “You had a lot of charming points.”

Sanghyuk grumbled, giving up a fight he had already lost years ago. Bickering with Jaehwan had been such a large part of their relationship and Sanghyuk couldn’t help but feel he had lived this moment before. Sitting by the river, talking softly enough that others couldn’t hear, playfully arguing with each other…

He bit his bottom lip and flitted a hand through his hair. The only elements missing were the skittish movement of fingers, the warmth of a body pressed against his, and the sensation of being pulled in.   

Sanghyuk peeked over at Jaehwan, his profile on display and, in a spontaneous bout of masochism, tried to remember what he found so enrapturing about the other. Jaehwan’s personality was definitely one aspect, but there were so many other traits he had loved about Jaehwan. Some were intangible, like the honey of his normal speaking voice, and others he could feel under his fingers, such as the pointy peak of his ears. Sanghyuk knew only heartache would derive from dwelling on such things, yet he kept on going.   

And, even though he was pondering on what he _used_ to see in Jaehwan, at some point Sanghyuk had crossed over to actively examining the Jaehwan before him– the one that was twenty-six years old, not the boy from his memories.  

_“Wonder if hyung’s ears are still sensitive...I sort of want to touch and see. His voice got a little deeper, but it still sounds nice. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him sing any musical numbers– I hope he does though...just to know what it sounds like. His nose is as big as ever, and his lips...”_

It didn’t take long for Jaehwan to notice Sanghyuk and turned to speak, possibly to ask if Sanghyuk wanted something from him when...  

_Bang!_

Jaehwan’s eyes met Sanghyuk’s right as the first firework went off, lips on the cusp of a now dissipated syllable. Sanghyuk stared back helplessly, at a loss for words, ears deafened. Eyes sparkling, hair being slightly displaced by the breeze, large shirt swallowing his body– Jaehwan shouldn’t look this perfect to him. Even if it was for that split second, it was impossible for Sanghyuk to pull away.

Hues of red, followed by purple, lit up the sky before sprinkling down and fizzling away. Multiple more colorful bangs followed, the image mirrored on calm river waters. He wasn't sure if the shriek came from Taekwoon, Wonshik, or Jaehwan, but Jaehwan had jumped and latched onto Sanghyuk’s arm in fear at the sudden loud noise. Bright colorful lights were filling the sky and Jaehwan had jumped to Sanghyuk for protection.

“Oh my god, that scared me,” Wonshik said weakly like he had seen his whole life flash through his eyes.

Jaehwan had pressed his forehead against Sanghyuk’s bicep, facing away from the river, his breathing coming out rushed and a slight tremor in his fingers. He stayed there, long after the third, fourth, and fifth explosion.

“Hyung,” Sanghyuk said carefully, unsure of what he should do, “it was just the fireworks…”

“Oh,” Jaehwan laughed hollowly, “I knew that. I was just startled.”

“I figured.”

Jaehwan’s lips had looked so kissable during that split second.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case any of you follow 'even if the skies get rough,' I'll be reposting chapter 7 and adding chapter 8 next week~  
> Anyways, thanks for reading~~  
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/zeroo_cb)


	4. Chapter 4

 

Jaehwan didn’t visit home very frequently during the semester. From late August to early December, Sanghyuk had probably only seen him three times. They hung out, mostly at places Jaehwan liked to go to because Jaehwan whined about being homesick. Jaehwan texted him frequently, though there were periods that Sanghyuk would be left on hold for a day, at most. Not that it bothered Sanghyuk– they both had midterms and finals around the same weeks. And when Jaehwan was planning on coming home, Sanghyuk made sure he got all of his schoolwork done and out of the way.

Jaehwan kept him updated on his first experiences through text and phone calls, like how big the lecture halls were or how outrageously some of his peers dressed. He had plenty of funny stories that made Sanghyuk laughing when he should be solving math equations and figuring out English vocabulary.

Focusing on his first year of high school was sometimes difficult though. While he made some new friends and jumped with happiness when he saw current friends (he already knew Sungjae was going to the same high school, but that didn’t stop Sanghyuk from tackling him to the ground), he often got distracted wondering what Jaehwan was doing.

Which was why when Jaehwan asked, two weeks after he came home for winter break, if Sanghyuk wanted to go somewhere after he got out of cram school, he didn’t think much about it. It was a normal occurrence since before Jaehwan left anyways.

“How were cram classes?” Jaehwan asked, mouth full with whatever pastry was eating, sitting at a small table in a cafe he told Sanghyuk to meet him in. College hadn’t changed Jaehwan all that much, granted he had only been away for four months. If anything, he shed a small amount of baby fat off his cheeks.

“Great. Fantastic. Excellent.” Sanghyuk answered in English, hoping his sarcasm could be heard as he plopped into the chair.

“Oh, your accent’s gotten better,” Jaehwan noted with a snort.

“Ironically, I do better in English than Korean Literature,” Sanghyuk switched back to Korean and shrugged. He wasn’t in the mood to eat anything, his appetite typically nonexistent from nine to eleven at night.

Jaehwan pointed his plastic fork at him, “That’s because you don’t need to figure out how the protagonist is feeling. English you just need to memorize words. But wow, I don’t miss going to cram school during break at all.”

“Lucky you,” Sanghyuk replied monotone. “Anyways, what’d you wanna talk about?”

“Um,” Jaehwan froze up. Sanghyuk tilted his head to the side, curiosity and concern rising.

Jaehwan dropped his fork on the tray and gave Sanghyuk a shaky smile, finger fidgeting with his glasses, “Maybe while we walk?”

Sanghyuk nodded, waited for Jaehwan to throw out his trash outside the cafe. He stuffed his hands into his pockets. Winter was starting to really set in and Sanghyuk regretted not bringing a scarf or mittens with him earlier. From his right the jingle of bells rung and now Jaehwan was standing next to him.

They walk two city blocks in stifling silence, Sanghyuk patiently waiting for Jaehwan to say what he wanted to say. It must be serious, if Jaehwan needed time to talk. They come to a stop at a street corner, waiting for the walk signal to glow green. There are still a number of people milling around, most of them students going home for the night, or going home to more studying. It was cold, a few cars speed by, and the city was starting to sleep– a perfectly mundane December night.

“We should go back to being friends.”

Sanghyuk turned toward Jaehwan in a staggered fashion, ears ringing. The walking signal devolved into a distant, dull beeping. His brain couldn’t understand what Jaehwan was saying, what he was implying, “What?”

Jaehwan wasn’t looking at him, was looking in the opposite direction like something on the other side of the street had caught his attention. A thin, smoky line of hazy white the only indication that Jaehwan wasn’t frozen solid.

Was the world crashing down around him?

No...

That was snow.

It was snowing.

His own condensated breath formed something akin to a cumulus cloud, spilling out from his lungs and mixing with the white specks.

“Yah,” Sanghyuk said weakly, desperation coming in the form of trembling lips, “say something, stupid four-eyes hyung.”

Jaehwan didn’t budge, so Sanghyuk forced Jaehwan to face him by tugging him by his coat lapels, the flakes of snow a stark contrast from the dark material of the coat. Even then, Jaehwan refused to met his eye. He stood there, biting on his lower lip hard enough for the delicate skin to go white under the pressure. The snow clung prettily to his hair.

“I’m sorry.”

Why, why, _why_?

“Tell me why, hyung!” Desperation clawed at him, digging trenches into his body, but Sanghyuk wasn't shedding any tears. Not yet. “Did I do something wrong? Can’t we work this out?” They worked well with each other, everything felt right between them, so why? Or, had it all been for show? He had been at Jaehwan’s side for years but suddenly, he couldn’t read his best friend, couldn’t see past his shuttered expression.

“No!” Jaehwan exclaimed immediately, then shrunk in on himself, “No…” He paused, then, “You could never do anything wrong, but I think it would be better if we were just friends.”

Sanghyuk tightened his grip, his teeth clenching down so painfully. The warmth of Jaehwan’s chest was keeping his fingers from the otherwise unforgiving winter air, but it didn’t matter. Sanghyuk couldn’t tell the difference between this warmth he used to find comfort in and the sharp, frigid wind that was stabbing his lungs.

“I’m sorry, Hyukkie. It’s…” a pillar of staggered clouds floated from Jaehwan’s lips, his beautiful voice distorted into an ugly puzzle of emotion, “not you. It’s me. That’s– That’s all there is to it.”

Jaehwan couldn’t do this to him. Sanghyuk wanted to scream foul play– he was in love with Jaehwan, did he not get a say? He wanted to do something...anything...slap him, punch him...anything to get that look off his face, like this was hurting him more than it was hurting Sanghyuk. There was no way anything could exceed the numbing pain that settled in between his ribs and he had no idea how to get rid of it.   

Sanghyuk dropped his hands and stepped onto the white painted lines of the crosswalk.  

—

Overthinking was a burdensome thing that should be breeded out of humans. It was counterproductive and it caused Sanghyuk headaches that made it difficult to do anything more than laze around on the sofa. Overthinking rarely ever helped a person reach a sound conclusion.

Days had gone by and Sanghyuk still couldn’t get the thought of kissing Jaehwan out of his head.

“I’m hungry. I need sustenance,” Sanghyuk moaned, lean to the left to drop his head on Hongbin’s shoulder. “I hope all of you get charged with child malnutrition.”

Taekwoon slapped his neck, but Sanghyuk didn’t have the energy to get back at him.

Screw Hakyeon’s _‘We don’t eat until the whole family is here’_ rule. And screw Wonshik too for being late– the last time Sanghyuk ate was seven hours ago. The general group consensus for Friday night dinner was street food and so Sanghyuk was seated at a round table on the side of the street with Taekwoon, Hongbin, and Hakyeon with the swirl of barbequed meat luring him in.

Barbequed meat and alcohol always helped relieve Sanghyuk of stress and worries, if only temporarily.

“Oh, quit complaining,” Hakyeon fussed from Hongbin’s left. “It’s not that serious.”

To get his suffering across, Sanghyuk bit Hongbin’s shoulder lightly. Hongbin wasn’t fazed by it as he read through the summary of a novel Hakyeon had just loaned him. He recognized it as one of the books from their publishing company.

“Hyuuuung,” he whined to whoever was willing to listen. Maybe the cute maknae act would prove effective in this situation.

“You’re such a loud whiner,” Sanghyuk whipped around and was met with Wonshik standing over him.

Sanghyuk kicked his chair back and stood up, “Who’s fault is that?”

“I’ll buy you meat, okay? How’s that?” Wonshik went to pinch Sanghyuk’s cheek, but Sanghyuk caught Wonshik’s hand midway.

“I don’t need your meat money and I’m not easy like Badass– gah!”

“Hyukkie!” Jaehwan exclaimed ecstatically and pinched Sanghyuk’s cheek in Wonshik’s stead. Sanghyuk blinked at Jaehwan, the last person he was expecting to run into, wide-eyed. He was so surprised that he didn’t try to bat away Jaehwan’s fingers. The last person Sanghyuk wanted to be around was right there.

Sanghyuk was at a loss for words and showed Wonshik his confusion, “Um...?” He didn’t have a problem with Jaehwan, just, Jaehwan was the current source of his singular problem.

“My tattoo appointment ran late and Jaehwan-hyung was with me so I thought I’d just bring him,” Wonshik explained and went to kiss Taekwoon when Sanghyuk let go of him.

“That’s fine, I haven’t had the chance to see Jaehwan lately,” Hakyeon waved his hand, obviously not minding at all. “Grab a chair and sit Jaehwanie!”

“Okay~!” Jaehwan stole a chair from an empty table and definitively lodged it between Sanghyuk and Taekwoon. And then he turned and saw Hongbin. Recognition flashed through Jaehwan’s eyes and he pointed at Hongbin, “Oh, the good looking guy.”

“He has a name, hyung,” Sanghyuk said, exasperated.

“Of course I know that. He’s a fellow Lee,” Jaehwan planted himself in his chair and waved pleasantly at Hongbin, a drastic difference from when they first met.

“It’s nice to see you again,” Hongbin smiled, basking in the compliment. “Is it okay if I call you hyung?”

A smile graces Jaehwan’s expression, “Of course!”

“Friendship is so beautiful,” Hakyeon held a hand over his heart and watched them with a touched smile.

Sanghyuk begged to differ, “Friendship is terrible.”

Everybody seemed to click well with Jaehwan and Jaehwan had seamlessly incorporated himself into the flow of their conversations. Seeing Jaehwan interacting with the group of friends he had spent growing into his twenties with felt surreal, like Sanghyuk’s past was meshing with his present. Every so often, Sanghyuk would catch himself quietly watching Jaehwan and he would shoot his gaze straight down into his shot glass.

Sanghyuk didn’t think he had ever seen Jaehwan as delightfully rambunctious as he was now. It was like he was seeing a different Jaehwan, the Jaehwan reserved for people that weren't Sanghyuk apparently. It filled him with groundless dejection.

He stopped himself there– he shouldn’t be going down this road of thought. Sanghyuk lived a life outside of the past, outside of Jaehwan. He needed to keep that in mind or else he seriously might fuck himself over. It was how Sanghyuk fucked himself over in the beginning.

Sanghyuk had a life that didn’t revolve around Jaehwan so he did his best to focus on what everybody else was doing. Even as he laughed along to Wonshik’s anecdotes and teased Hongbin about his underwear choices, Sanghyuk thought nothing less of the short touches on his arm or the way Jaehwan knocked his head against Sanghyuk’s shoulder when he was diving into a fit of laughter.

“Jaehwan has old pictures of Sanghyuk,” Taekwoon remarked offhandedly and suddenly Jaehwan was showing off a few pictures and sending others to a group chat that didn't include Sanghyuk.  

“Uughhh,” Sanghyuk dropped his head against Hongbin’s arm, “what kind of hyungs are you guys? Delete those pictures!”

“I might make an album of all of us sometime. Maybe from ultrasound to now?” Hakyeon said airly, earning a pitched whine from Sanghyuk. Taekwoon, on the other hand, was wholeheartedly agreeing with Hakyeon.  

Sanghyuk huffed, “This is all your fault, Jaehwan-hyung.”

Jaehwan threaded his fingers through the hair on Sanghyuk’s nape, “What do you mean? I’m just showing the world how cute you were.”

“‘M not cute…” Sanghyuk mumbled, glaring bleary-eyed at Jaehwan and his offensively red lips. Why did they look the way they did?

“Yes you are, my cute Hyukkie,” Jaehwan ruffled Sanghyuk’s hair, oblivious to what he had just said. Sanghyuk though, froze. There were times when Hakyeon would say the same thing, except he would use _our_ , not _my_. Sanghyuk mostly had an issue with it for the sole reason that it was Jaehwan because he wasn’t Jaehwan’s anything.

“I’m not yours…”

Jaehwan’s lips parted slightly and he retracted his hand with a basic, “Oops.”

Sanghyuk didn’t mourn the loss of fingers playing with his hair.

—

By the time they were piling into Wonshik’s small passenger car, Sanghyuk was less drunk and more exhausted. Hakyeon was fine enough to walk to the station and take the train home, but the rest of them weren’t keen on walking. He was stuck between Hongbin and Jaehwan in the back and they were all fairly tall so it wasn’t the most comfortable commute Sanghyuk’s experienced. There was also the issue of Jaehwan’s body pressing against Sanghyuk’s when Jaehwan had so much space on his side of the seat.   

“Wear normal underwear when you go on your date with Hakyeon-hyung,” Sanghyuk said as Hongbin got out of the car.

“Wear the Hello Kitty ones I got you,” Wonshik insisted, eliciting a chuckle out of Hongbin.

“I’ll let you guys know what I go with,” Hongbin continued to laugh as he shut the door and waved at them as they pulled away from the curb.

“Mmm,” Jaehwan moaned, snuggling closer to Sanghyuk. Sanghyuk stared down at Jaehwan in disbelief, unsure of when Jaehwan had fallen asleep. “You better not drool on me.”

“Hey Sanghyuk,” Wonshik said softly, mindful of Taekwoon and Jaehwan sleeping, his eyes flickered up at him through the rearview mirror.

“Hm?”

“I heard you and Jaehwan-hyung dated before.”

Sanghyuk furrowed his brows together, “What about it…”

“You dated just before he went to college, right?”

It probably didn’t take much detective work to know when they had dated, but Sanghyuk confirmed it. Wonshik nodded to himself, and then, “You should go easy on him.”

“What makes you say that?”

Wonshik scratched the back of his neck, “You don't take a lot of things at face value is all.”

He didn’t ask Wonshik to elaborate. It was unsettling for Wonshik to advise him about going easy on Jaehwan, nevermind the fact that Sanghyuk already knew that more often than not, Jaehwan spoke with his heart on his sleeve and exactly what was on his mind.

“Hyukkie, don’t touch other people’s dicks please. You’ll get cooties...” Jaehwan slouched onto Sanghyuk’s back, his nose bumping up against Sanghyuk’s ear after Wonshik dropped them off.

Somehow, Sanghyuk was again stuck with caring for an intoxicated Jaehwan. There was no efficient way to drag Jaehwan through a door and up three flights of stairs so Sanghyuk hooked his arms under Jaehwan’s knees and hoisted him onto his back. Luckily, Jaehwan wasn’t that heavy, “That’s not really something you can control.”

Jaehwan wrapped his arms around Sanghyuk’s neck and buried his face there, his lips pressed against the bare skin of his nape, “I don’t like it though, especially when that good looking guy is over.”

His ears didn’t burn at the damp touch or at the hot, soju-laced breath on his neck. Jaehwan wasn’t doing it on purpose– he was sleep-addled and drunk. There were a few times Jaehwan carried him home like this when they were kids and Sanghyuk was too tired to move. On the rare occasion, he’d fall asleep on Jaehwan’s back until he was being gently poked awake once they reached their destination.

“What I do with Hongbin-hyung is none of your business. I don’t do things to make you happy, hyung,” Sanghyuk replied as he pulled open the main entrance and walked through the main foyer toward the stairwell.

Jaehwan bit down on the junction between his neck and shoulder, causing Sanghyuk’s shoulders to jolt up in shock. It was a shallow bite, but it was a good thing they weren’t on the stairs or else Sanghyuk might’ve slipped from the sudden sharp sensation. He looked over his shoulder to see Jaehwan looking back at him despondently, “Why’d you bite me?!”

“Why won’t you care about my happineeeeess” Jaehwan wailed dramatically.

Sanghyuk cringed and went to climb the first flight of stairs but felt a dizzy spell come over him before he reached the first step, “How much did you even drink?”

“‘M not telling you ‘cause you don’t care ‘bout me.”

Once the floor stopped spinning, Sanghyuk made his way up the rest of the stairs with mindless bemoaning to accompany the trip. When he arrived at Jaehwan’s apartment door, Jaehwan refused to get off Sanghyuk’s back. Sanghyuk’s legs were starting to wiggle and he tried to shake Jaehwan off to relieve the weight.

“Hyung, come on.” Sanghyuk whined. “I want to shower and sleep.”

“Show me some aegyo,” Jaehwan giggled instead.

Sanghyuk groaned. Thankfully, he was able to demand for Jaehwan’s keys easily. Jaehwan dropped them in Sanghyuk’s outstretched hand and wrapped his unsupported leg around Sanghyuk’s hip. There were three keys on the keyring, one for the main entrance and two for the locks. A small keychain figurine was attached to the keyring and Sanghyuk paused.

“You still have this?”

Jaehwan peeked over Sanghyuk’s shoulder, “I told you I’d treasure it forever. It still reminds me of you.”

Sanghyuk had long ago told Jaehwan that if he ever missed Sanghyuk while he was at college, to look at the Tony Tony Chopper keychain and be reminded of Sanghyuk. Sanghyuk nearly melted into a puddle of embarrassment and told Jaehwan to forget what he said, but Jaehwan didn’t. The keychain had seen regular use.

He didn’t reply, only seeking to concentrate on unlocking the door successfully. Sanghyuk got it on his second try and slinked inside. He took off his shoes and flicked the living room lights on. For the most part, it was a mirror image of his own apartment so finding Jaehwan’s bedroom wasn’t difficult.

The lights from below Jaehwan’s bedroom window barely illuminate the room, but it was enough for Sanghyuk to know the general area where Jaehwan’s bed was. The room was messy with clothes strewn over a desk and the floor, probably from when Jaehwan was too tired to properly put away the clothes he wore for the day. There was a teddy bear resting in the middle of the bed that Sanghyuk recognized as the one he gave Jaehwan at the fair. With his foot, he maneuvered it to the foot of the bed.

Sanghyuk lowered Jaehwan onto his bed, releasing him when Jaehwan’s butt was stably planted on the mattress. He maneuvered Jaehwan off his back and laid him down into bed, his pillows on the side of the bed that was against the wall they shared. Before Jaehwan could curl his legs into his blanket, Sanghyuk took off his shoes and brought them back out to the foyer.

From there, it only took a few minutes for Sanghyuk to scavenger up painkillers and a glass of water to place on the nightstand. If anything, this was a guarantee Sanghyuk wouldn’t hear Jaehwan pained moans first thing in the morning.   

“Stay for a little, Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan mumbled, hand flailing off the side of the bed.

“No thanks,” Sanghyuk shot down quickly. “Have a nice sleep– ah!”

The next thing Sanghyuk knew, his left arm was being pulled down and suddenly he was falling over Jaehwan. His hands snapped out to catch himself, succeeding in lodging his right hand by Jaehwan’s shoulder so that instead of falling on top of him, he was hovering over his chest. His right knee had come to kneel on the edge of the bed and Sanghyuk let out a stuttered breath while Jaehwan stared up at him with unfocused eyes.

Sanghyuk didn’t know what to say, the yearning in Jaehwan’s expression causing him to falter, “Sorry, uh, I’m gonna go now.”

Jaehwan took hold of Sanghyuk’s wrist, “Why...?”

“Because I don’t live here?”      

“No– Why...” it was painful, to hear Jaehwan’s voice so starkly broken like this. “Why couldn’t I love other people like I loved you?”

Jaehwan had no idea what he was saying; he wasn’t being himself so Sanghyuk shouldn’t take his words to heart. He shouldn’t get mad or yell at Jaehwan for saying something so grossly inappropriate. Even if he wanted to get mad, he couldn’t feel the fire on the tip of his currently heavy tongue. Why would Jaehwan subject him to this sort of torture?  

“You’re drunk hyung…”

Jaehwan closed his eyes, breathing in small puffs through dry lips, “I wish you told me to stay.”

 _Why didn’t you chase after me?_ Sanghyuk used to wonder and now he had his chance to ask. But he wouldn’t– shouldn’t. What would he do with the answer once he got it?

“Stop bringing up the past hyung. You can’t change what happened.” And neither could he.

“Hyukkie…” Jaehwan called out so sweetly.

“Just go to sleep hyung,” Sanghyuk stood up and laid Jaehwan’s blanket over him, fighting the urge to soothe the crease between Jaehwan’s brows with a soft kiss. He didn’t say any more, too scared of what may come out of his mouth next. Probably something that alluded to renewed affection.

—

Sanghyuk pretended Jaehwan’s drunken ramblings didn’t happen, just like how Jaehwan pretended that the whole night was a blur. When Jaehwan knocked on his door in the morning asking him if Sanghyuk was the one to put him to bed, the fidget in Jaehwan’s fingers were enough for Sanghyuk to know Jaehwan was feigning memory loss.

“I don’t remember much after falling asleep in the car, but I didn’t say anything weird...right?” Jaehwan fixed his gaze onto the floor as he asked.  

“No,” Sanghyuk lied. He shouldn’t be taking Jaehwan’s words seriously, but it was because it had been that specific string of words that Sanghyuk couldn’t sit easy.

“That’s...that’s good…” If Jaehwan sounded lifeless, it was probably due to him being hungover. Hungover or not, they both instantly knew the other was telling a bold-faced lie.

It was good, but it wasn’t. What Jaehwan had said in the darkness of his bedroom weighed heavily on Sanghyuk’s shoulders as he went about the rest of his week. And whenever Sanghyuk happened to bump into Jaehwan, Jaehwan would become skittish. They awkwardly danced around each other like this for the past week.

Jaehwan may make a living from pretending to be another person in front of droves of people, but deception was impossible for him. He was being evasive and that was how Sanghyuk knew there was validity in what Jaehwan had said. It added enough weight to Sanghyuk’s ankles to have him struggling to stay afloat.  

“Sanghyuk.”

Hakyeon waved his hand in Sanghyuk’s face and only then did Sanghyuk realize he had been blankly staring at a pamphlet of papers laid out on the conference table where he was seated. Sanghyuk looked up and met Hakyeon’s concerned expression from across the table. He blinked a few times before picking up the pamphlet and flipping over the first page.

“Sorry hyung. Uh, so, what about this new light novel series?”

Hakyeon sighed and reached over to lower the pamphlet until Sanghyuk allowed the papers to lay flat once more, “Is something wrong?”

“Nothing, just,” Sanghyuk exhaled, “can you go over the project again? I don’t want to mess it up.”

“Sanghyuk-ah, I recommended you for this job in the first place because I had faith in your skills. I’m not worried about you doing a terrible job, I’m worried about _you_.”

Sanghyuk cocked his head to the side so he could stare at the closed conference room door behind Hakyeon’s back. He didn’t want to say he was hitting his breaking point, but _god_ something needed to give and _soon_ , “Jaehwan-hyung said he wished we didn’t break up. It’s been bothering me and I can’t figure out why.”

“Oh,” Hakyeon said lamely.

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk sighed, “ _oh_.”

“Are you…” Hakyeon started off slowly, “mad at Jaehwan...?”  

Sanghyuk stared back down at the papers in front of him. He had been shocked and quickly tried to burn it from his memory, but it continued to ring in his ears long after the fact, “Besides shocked, sad I guess? I don’t know why.”

Eight years after the fact and suddenly Jaehwan was saying that he wished Sanghyuk had stayed with him, silently wishing Sanghyuk had fought for him. What good would that do them now? If anything, it was unfortunate they both wished for the same outcome and were still stuck with the outcome they’ve lived with for the past eight years.

It filled him with joy though, when Jaehwan told Sanghyuk he loved him the most out of all the people he loved, including the girl Jaehwan left him for.

Hakyeon nodded, “You could’ve felt that way because it was disappointing to know you both wanted a different outcome and there was no way of changing the past to reflect that desire.”

“Maybe? I mean,” his fingers fiddle with the corner of a piece of paper, “probably. Just, I don’t want what Jaehwan-hyung wants.”

Sanghyuk wasn’t sure if he wholeheartedly meant it.

“Did you ask him to elaborate on why he said what he said? That’s not the sort of thing a person says without a reason and Jaehwan can be sparse with details if you don’t press him.”

“W–What?” Sanghyuk sputtered, recoiling in his seat. “No way. I don’t want to have that discussion.” He didn’t want to ask and make things even awkwarder between him and Jaehwan. Officially, Jaehwan said nothing and Sanghyuk heard nothing that night.

Hakyeon stared at him unimpressed, crossing his arms, “I don’t think I’m in any place to give you any advice since I don’t know the extent of your history with Jaehwan. Besides, you won’t know why he said what he said until you ask.”

“I’d rather not know then…”

It was half fear of the unknown and half fear of being on the receiving end of Jaehwan’s longing gaze again. Jaehwan might’ve been inebriated, but there was something there and it would pull Sanghyuk in if he wasn’t careful.  

“To me it sounds like you care enough about him if you’re this distracted. Trust me, you’re not going to find the answer in your brain, Sanghyuk. You should talk things out between you two and clear some things up.”

—

It was just Sanghyuk’s luck that he spotted Jaehwan on his way home after having that talk with Hakyeon.

“You look like a serial killer waiting for their next victim.”

Jaehwan jumped and turned toward where Sanghyuk was approaching. There was a small park Sanghyuk always walked by on his way home from the subway and he happened to notice an adult on the swings. Sanghyuk took a second glance (just to make sure it wasn’t some creep) and registered the person as Jaehwan, who was staring at the ground deep in thought.

An invisible force compelled him to leave paved sidewalk for crushed grass and then Sanghyuk was too close to turn around when he stopped. Jaehwan hadn’t noticed him walk over so he called out to him.

“Aaah, what the heck,” Jaehwan moaned with a pout after snapping his head up in surprise, rattling the chains he was holding in frustration. “You scared me.”

Sanghyuk slid his hands into the pocket of his slacks and raised his brows, “And you’re scaring off actual grade schoolers who want to use the swings.”

“Grade schoolers don’t go to parks anymore,” Jaehwan stretched his legs out, skin tan from the thighs down as far as Sanghyuk could see. It must’ve been from all of the morning runs Jaehwan apparently liked to take. “They go to Internet cafes and play Overwatch.”

“I don’t know what kind of grade schoolers you know, but they must have shitty parents.”

Jaehwan snorted, rocking the swing forward and back, “Yeah, our parents forced us to go outside all the time and look at how well we turned out.”

“I really hate my parents for that,” Sanghyuk leaned his weight onto his right leg, remembering the fateful encounter that pushed everything into motion. “It was how I ended up meeting you.”

“You don’t mean that,” Jaehwan faked a gasp.

“I wanted to go home and then you sprayed me in the face with a water gun.” It wasn’t a good day to begin with for seven year old Sanghyuk and when some kid soaked him, he was hellbent on exacting revenge regardless of the fact that Jaehwan had mostly been ‘that kid who lived across the street’ at the time.

“I _accidentally_ sprayed you in the face and I apologized but you still ended up chasing me around. You were like a small gremlin at seven years old.”

“And you were a four-eyed hyung who spent too much time in front of the TV at ten years old,” Sanghyuk shot back and went to sit on the empty swing that was next to Jaehwan.

“How many times do I have to tell you these were the eyes I was born with? And it’s not like you can talk– you wear glasses now too,” Jaehwan watched Sanghyuk experimentally kick his legs into the air. “How’d that happen, hm?”

“Spent too many hours drawing and watching anime in the dark,” Sanghyuk answered bluntly and then Jaehwan was laughing loudly with his mouth wide open. It was a good laugh. All of Jaehwan’s laughs were good.

It didn’t take long for Sanghyuk to go airborne and allow himself to glide through the air. He was never at the same altitude for long, not that it mattered since he could always return to that same spot overlooking the rest of the park if he put in the effort. It was relaxing to have the wind coursing through his hair and over his skin, easing Sanghyuk’s mind into an empty state.

“Do you remember when I confessed to you?”

Sanghyuk heard Jaehwan loud and clear, but didn’t respond immediately. Instead, he kicked his feet into the air a few times before allowing gravity and physics to kill his momentum. How could Sanghyuk forget the first time Jaehwan told him he loved him? Looking back on it now, Sanghyuk wasn’t sure what his fourteen year old self was doing– there was no way he knew the first thing about love at that age.

“How could I forget?” Sanghyuk asked quietly, recalling the memory fondly. “I thought you were pulling a prank on me.”

“We were sitting on the swings like this in the middle of winter and I don’t know why we even hanged around outside when it was that cold,” Jaehwan recalled with a bite of humor. “You were skeptical for a few days after.”

“I guess I was.”

There was a pregnant pause and Jaehwan seemed to have taken Sanghyuk’s flippant tone for something else, “Sorry. I was being nostalgic and thought about it.”

Sanghyuk’s hands dropped from the chains and into his lap, fingers loosely curled, “It’s fine.” It was inevitable– nostalgia always rushed them when they were in each other’s company.

He should’ve been more upset at Jaehwan for bringing up that type of memory when they were exes, but frankly all he felt was a painful longing. No matter how plain his day was, a younger Sanghyuk was content with just being awake so long as he saw Jaehwan. It was childish and annoyingly simplistic, yet Sanghyuk was currently living his life in a way that a basic morning greeting from Jaehwan had a positive effect on Sanghyuk’s mood.

Distantly, birds were chirping as they freely flew toward the horizon and the sun was starting to give way to the moon. It was a nice sunset in the way the blue sky had transformed into a lovely gradient of warm hues. There was hardly a cloud in the sky and the sound of busy traffic was inaudible.

“Hyung.”

“Hm?”

“That night we ate with everybody,” Sanghyuk remembered the feeling of Jaehwan’s fingers around his wrist vividly, the sorrowful expression Jaehwan wore as he clung onto Sanghyuk, “...why did you say those things?”

Jaehwan sucked in an audible breath, betraying his thoughts before he could even speak with feigned ignorance, “Say what? I can’t always remember every word I say when I’m drunk.”

Eyes melting with so much longing. Why did Jaehwan affect him so much lately? “Don’t make me say it hyung. You know what I’m talking about.”

Sanghyuk’s eyes stay glued to the setting sun, the strong scent of summer flowers present in the air as he granted himself this small mercy. He didn’t want to know what sorts of emotions were running through Jaehwan as he spoke, scared he would see what he saw that night.

_Why couldn’t I love other people like I loved you?_

“You should’ve ignored me,” Jaehwan finally said without any room for jokes or lightheartedness. “Just a drunk man’s ramblings.”

_I wish you told me to stay._

“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”

At a loss, Jaehwan asked with a conflicted strain on each word, “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to take it back?”

“I just want to know why,” Sanghyuk reiterated. Maybe it was his pride at work, but while he wished Jaehwan didn't say those words, he didn’t want him to take any of it back.

Jaehwan took a moment, the sound of their breathing occupying the much too small distance between them. In hindsight, Sanghyuk shouldn’t have approached Jaehwan. To have a conversation on this sort of topic where old feelings came into the mix, aggravated by years of animosity harbored towards their relationship, felt stifling. It was difficult to shake.

“I was just saying what was on my mind,” Jaehwan finally said, starkly docile. “Being with you made me remember how things used to be, how you used to be, and how perfect life was with you. I was missing those times.”

It wasn’t the answer Sanghyuk was looking for. It was too simple and it didn’t explain why Jaehwan looked at him– held onto him– the way he did. Nevertheless, it unexplainably twisted Sanghyuk’s mood for the worse. It was like he was competing with the past and Jaehwan was incomprehensibly betting against him.

“There's no such thing as a perfect life. Life was just life back then– what good does reminiscing do for you?” Sanghyuk shot back sharply. “I don’t understand what you find so amazing about it.”

With resignation, Jaehwan said softly, “I guess I should get used to you not understanding me then.”

They were different people now, standing at different points and heading in different directions. They could play at being childhood friends, but at the end of the day Sanghyuk would wonder what made Jaehwan tick when there had been a time he never had to wonder.

Sanghyuk turned to face the street, the one that didn’t include Jaehwan in his line of vision. “Get your head out of the past hyung– we can’t relive any of it.”

“It wouldn’t matter anyways,” the words, sardonic in tone, prickled at Sanghyuk’s skin. “How can I relive the past when you’re not even the same person anymore?”

“So, what then? Would you prefer to have me throwing myself over you, to follow you around like a lost little kid?” Sanghyuk turned to face Jaehwan with a narrowed gaze and pressed together brows. Jaehwan clenched tightly at the chains, knuckles turning white. “Would that make you happier?”

It would be easier if Sanghyuk was how he used to be...was that what it all came down to?

“You know,” Jaehwan glared angrily at Sanghyuk, showing a fierce emotion for the first time since Sanghyuk started questioning him, “anything is preferable over you being a cynical dick. Why do you have such a fucking problem with our past?”  

_Because you were such a large part of my life and you ruined me._

“What even happened to the Sanghyuk who was so easy going and optimistic? The one who smiled more often than not? I’d rather have him standing next to me than you.” There was no need for Jaehwan to sound so accusatory, as if Sanghyuk had purposefully killed those parts of himself. It wasn’t though...it was Jaehwan who had cut away those parts of Sanghyuk. It was all Jaehwan’s fault.

Sanghyuk didn’t talk to Jaehwan for this, to be considered inferior to a literal child. It made Sanghyuk’s blood boil and he abruptly got up, causing the seat and chains to rattle. He didn’t want to deal with any more of Jaehwan’s bullshit.

“Don't bother trying to look for a person that doesn’t exist anymore, hyung.”

Jaehwan didn’t try to stop Sanghyuk from walking away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)  
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/zeroo_cb)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops its been almost a month since i updated this ;;;;  
> this chapter's a lot longer and i'm just going to apologize for my messy smut writing OTL (its at the very end)

 

Life was needlessly hard. That much was obvious. Or maybe it was just Sanghyuk’s inability to be a rational human being at work.

Sanghyuk hadn’t seen Jaehwan since their disastrous conversation though it wasn’t like he was trying. The musical Jaehwan was a part of would be having its opening night in a few days, which would explain why he and Jaehwan didn’t have their typical run-ins. Another reason would be that Jaehwan was continuing to avoid him, which was understandable. 

He didn’t want to admit to himself that Jaehwan’s absence was bothering him even more, not when Sanghyuk had functioned properly during the years Jaehwan wasn’t in his life. All Sanghyuk had to do was fall back into the rhythm he established before Jaehwan moved into the apartment next door. All Sanghyuk had to do was not think about him.

_ Could you do these over and not project this time? I don’t know if this is an artist thing and you people get off on immortalizing your teenage angst or whatever but this story has a happy, adventurous tone to it. Please make sure the new cover sketches you send reflects that. _

_ Cha Hakyeon _ _  
_ _ Managing Editor  _

Wearily, Sanghyuk e-mailed Hakyeon back to let him know he’ll send new sketches in the next few days and closed his e-mail. With a sigh, Sanghyuk picked up his sketchbook and proceeded to rip out the pages that were related to the rejected sketches he sent to Hakyeon. He sat on the cold hardwood floor, his back against his bed, and ripped the pages up into smaller pieces to individually crumble up into small balls.

“Fucking Jaehwan…” His wastebin was on the other side of his room and with a lousy arm, Sanghyuk threw the first paper ball. It bounced off the rim and fell to the floor.

Sanghyuk was falling in love with Jaehwan.

He crushed another piece of paper into a ball, his fingers smudging the graphite onto his skin. With careless aim, Sanghyuk lobbed the ball across his room, missing the bin by a large margin.     

There was no other way to explain his feelings as of late and to make it worse, Jaehwan wouldn’t see past a version of Sanghyuk that was only a figment of Jaehwan’s memories. Sanghyuk couldn’t accept that and even if he apologized for his sudden outburst, he wouldn’t truly mean it. 

It always came down to what Sanghyuk lacked. 

Regardless, he wouldn’t do anything about it, any of it. It was pathetic how he had fallen for the person who broke his heart before, but moreso if Sanghyuk decided to pursue anything. It was already adding insult to injury and going after Jaehwan would be like kicking himself in the face. However, no matter what Sanghyuk wished to do, he couldn’t shake his desire to see Jaehwan. 

He sent another paper ball flying, helplessly watching it fall short.

—

“Did you really make me leave my apartment for a piece of paper?” Sanghyuk waved the ticket Wonshik had given him in Wonshik’s face. It was for the opening night showing for the musical Jaehwan and Taekwoon were in, a rendition of Hamlet. Hamlet wasn’t his favorite Shakespearean play but Sanghyuk was sure Taekwoon would bug him about attending at some point. 

“Yuuup,” Wonshik confirmed, popping the ‘p.’

“Worst hyung ever,” Sanghyuk groaned, pocketing the ticket. “I put in so much effort into getting dressed and driving my ass over here just for a ticket.”

“You know, it’s okay for you to admit you were looking forward to hanging out with me.”

Sanghyuk swiveled around in the chair he was sitting on, taking in the mess of the room. Laundry covered the floor, a clear path between the door to the bed and to the closet the only distinguishable area of floor Sanghyuk could see. How Taekwoon lived with Wonshik was anybody’s guess and it was a wonder how Hongbin managed to live with him in college. 

“I wouldn’t call sitting in your bedroom watching you work on your bed in your boxers “hanging out.” You could at least feed me or get me a glass of water.”

“I did and you said you weren’t hungry or thirsty. Also I’m just finishing up this track– it won’t take that long,” Wonshik reminded him and Sanghyuk turned the chair so that he was facing Wonshik again. With his foot, he nudged Wonshik’s thigh.

“I’m bored though,” Sanghyuk whined, sinking into the chair. Taekwoon was out for rehearsal so Sanghyuk couldn’t bully him to pass the time and Sanghyuk wasn’t brave enough to dig through their stuff. 

Wonshik hummed in acknowledgement but didn’t say anything, seemingly fixed on whatever was on his laptop screen and what was coming out of his headphones. They spend the next ten minutes in relative silence with Sanghyuk finding a Rubix’s cube to keep himself mildly entertained. He couldn’t remember how exactly to solve it but he knew how to solve the first two layers. 

“So…” Wonshik closed his laptop and took off his headphones to place on top of the device.

Sanghyuk lowered the cube, “So…”

“Care to tell me what’s going on between you and Jaehwan-hyung?”

“...What?” Sanghyuk didn’t let his surprise show, but what tipped Wonshik off? “There’s...nothing...”

“Okay look,” Wonshik shut his eyes for a second and massaged the bridge of his nose, “Jaehwan-hyung’s been sleeping in my guest bedroom for a week now.”

Sanghyuk’s brows pressed together in confusion, one because he didn’t know Jaehwan wasn’t living in his own apartment and two because what did it have to do with Sanghyuk? Wonshik caught onto his confusion and said, “He claimed it was because he was too tired to go back to his own place after rehearsal but he’s been weird, especially whenever you come up.”

“That doesn’t mean there’s something going on,” Sanghyuk mumbled, eyes turned downward.

“See, you’re acting weird now too. First you two were eye-fucking when we went to that fair and then you were flirting when I brought him to dinner and–”

“What?!” Wonshik jolted away when Sanghyuk shot up in denial with a surge of energy. “Did you finally go off the deep end?” Nobody was flirting with anybody, let alone “eye-fucking,” as Wonshik liked to put it. Sanghyuk didn’t act any differently toward Jaehwan, treating him like he normally would, if not with a slight stiffness he couldn’t help.  

Wonshik pointed at him, his finger accusatory, “Weird.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sanghyuk crossed his arms. Being evasive was starting to come to him easier. 

“I took hyung to a pet store the other day and he picked up the cutest puppy saying it looked like you, which I thought was offensive to the puppy, and then he said something like, ‘I should get a puppy because at least you can’t fuck it up with a puppy.’ ” Wonshik looked at Sanghyuk expectantly, like Sanghyuk held all the answers.

Sanghyuk stared at a discarded pair of gray sweatpants by the bed in lieu of commenting on what Wonshik had just told him.

“Come on Sanghyuk. Jaehwan-hyung’s like this moving mass of depression and I’d really like to fix that, not to mention that it’s hard living with him like this.”

Aside from Hongbin, Wonshik was a person Sanghyuk was comfortable confiding in about whatever was bothering him. But, what point was there in telling Wonshik if it was more than likely that Jaehwan already told Wonshik what happened? To get his side of the story? There wasn’t much to it though– Sanghyuk was stupid and Jaehwan didn’t deserve to be the outlet for Sanghyuk’s problems. He deserved a lot more. 

“Whatever is up with you two, I’m completely neutral,” Wonshik added reassuringly. 

Attempting to not make it sound as important as he felt it was, Sanghyuk said, “I just got mad at him over something dumb and we haven’t seen each other since.”

“Uh huh,” Wonshik said, wholly unconvinced. “And?”

Sanghyuk sank back down into the chair shrugging, “And that’s it.”

“Not that I don’t believe you, but I don’t believe you,” Wonshik got off his bed and walked over to a small pile of clothes, bending over to pick up a pair of sweats. He stepped into them, pulling them up to his waist as he asked, “Are you in love with him?”

Sanghyuk froze, save for his fingers that curled into the fabric of his pants. He already knew who Wonshik was talking about but, “Love who?”

Wonshik looked over his shoulder, “Jaehwan-hyung.”

“Falling in love with my ex?” Sanghyuk laughed, though it came out strange and off to his ears. It sounded like he was overcompensating. “You know I’m more tasteful than that. Why would you think that?”

Wonshik tossed on a shirt and ran his hand through his hair a few times. “Jaehwan-hyung talks about you a lot and it sounds like he’s either writing your biography or he has a thing for you.”

This time, Sanghyuk was genuinely laughing, “A thing? For me?”

“That hyung keeps on bugging me about the shit you and I used to get up to in college, talks about how great you are at cooking and games, and tells me on multiple occasions how nice your smile is. You don’t even want to know what he says drunk,” Wonshik shuddered a bit when he stopped in front of his full sized mirror that was propped up against the wall. “Can you see where I’m going with this?”

The only time Jaehwan had asked him about something related to his college years was when he was drunk and Sanghyuk was driving him home. Sanghyuk had implied how annoyingly nosy Jaehwan was and after that, Jaehwan didn’t ask him again possibly out of consideration. He had cooked dinner for Jaehwan a handful of times and when it came to games, Sanghyuk won two-thirds of the time. None of it was particularly special to note or brag about though.  

But, he could see how Wonshik reached the conclusion he made even if it didn’t make any sense to Sanghyuk. Sanghyuk was probably getting the special attention because Jaehwan hadn’t seen him in years and he knew how Jaehwan got when he was excited. Give it a few more weeks and Jaehwan would be treating Sanghyuk like he would any other person. 

Whether this disappointed Sanghyuk, he wouldn’t say. They could act like normal neighbors for once...ones that didn’t show overt displays of affection. 

“Well Jaehwan-hyung is Jaehwan-hyung and I’m me. If one of us liked the other, it doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual,” Sanghyuk reasoned. “Hypothetically, obviously.” Knowing Jaehwan talked about him so often though...

Wonshik sighed, turning toward Sanghyuk after examining his reflection, “Fine, but you still need to make up at some point.”

“Once rehearsals are all done it’s not like Jaehwan-hyung’s gonna keep on living out of your spare bedroom. You won’t have to put up with his moping or whatever forever.” Sanghyuk watched Wonshik head over to his desk and riffle through knick knacks and post-it notes for something, mumbling something about a wallet. 

“Except I don’t want him to mope at all,” it took Wonshik a few seconds to find his worn leather wallet and pocket it. “I’m just looking out for you two. Anyways, let’s go grab something good to eat– you’ve looked like somebody threw your figurines into the Han River ever since you got here.”

“Uh–”     

“Besides,” Wonshik smiled like he knew something Sanghyuk didn’t, “I think clearing the water with hyung would do you some good too.”

— 

“Why is dancing so hard?!” Jaehwan raged, throwing himself onto his bed for the fourth time in defeat.

Sanghyuk poked his toes at Jaehwan’s butt, thankful for the impromptu break, “You did this to yourself– auditioning for Prince Charming when you don’t even know how to dance.”

“Drama club is my passion! I wasn’t going to let anything stand in my way, not even dancing!” Jaehwan wailed into his sheets. Sanghyuk rolled his eyes, dropping himself in front of Jaehwan’s laptop so he could re-watch the tutorial video on basic ballroom dancing again. For whatever reason, Sanghyuk had been able to get the basic essence of the dance down while Jaehwan continued to step on Sanghyuk’s toes.

They had spent the better part of the hour in Jaehwan’s room, concentrating on where their feet were going and how their legs were supposed to move.

“Heeyeon and I should switch roles, that way I can blame my shitty dancing on my peasant upbringing. She’s got the whole prince thing down and all the club juniors already call Heeyeon oppa and or hyung.”

Sanghyuk snorted, “Yeah, there isn’t all that much prince-ly about a four-eyed nerd.”

“I wanted moral support and this is what I get,” came Jaehwan’s muffled voice.

Sanghyuk paused the video and stood up so he could pull Jaehwan up. Jaehwan was going to get this down, even if it took them all night. Sanghyuk already invested too much time to let it all go to waste.

“Let’s try again hyung,” Sanghyuk tucked his hand into Jaehwan’s and rested his other hand below Jaehwan’s shoulder when Jaehwan decided to stand up properly, their bodies close together. “Just look at my feet this time and follow, alright?”

“‘Kay,” Jaehwan mumbled, his left foot trailing after Sanghyuk’s right.

“It’s all about trust and feeling,” Sanghyuk said as their feet moved together along the box they had taped out. Jaehwan continued to stare at their legs, his tongue sticking out a bit in concentration. They swayed together as swiftly as a pair of teenage boys still growing into their long limbs as Sanghyuk kept a mental three-count tempo going.

“Want to try looking up at me now?” Sanghyuk asked after the tenth passable go around. 

Jaehwan picked his head up, rolling his neck a bit before smiling sheepishly at Sanghyuk, “Sorry if I step on you. Again.”

They maintain eye contact as they danced and Sanghyuk had to remind himself to not let Jaehwan’s look of constipation affect him– Jaehwan’s cheeks were puffed up slightly with the air Jaehwan was unconsciously not breathing and his eyes were narrowed like he was trying to keep something in. However, not even thirty seconds in, Jaehwan had stepped on him five different times, causing them both to fumble up the rhythm they had going.

“Hyung, seriously?” Sanghyuk made sure his lack of amusement was made obvious. “You were doing fine before.”

“I can’t help it,” Jaehwan’s face went red and he ducked into Sanghyuk’s shoulder. “I think it’s your face. I keep on thinking about kissing you and it’s distracting.”

Sanghyuk laughed and Jaehwan beat his fist into Sanghyuk’s chest to express his discontent with the reaction. Sanghyuk snorted, bringing their conjoined hands up between them so Sanghyuk could kiss the back of Jaehwan’s palm, “I’ll kiss you a lot more if you get this terrible dance down. Come on Prince Charming. If you really can’t look at my face, try looking over my shoulder.”

“Maybe you should be Prince Charming,” Jaehwan mumbled, but did as Sanghyuk suggested.

They started off slow and Jaehwan felt stiff in Sanghyuk’s hold. Sanghyuk persisted though, rocking back, to the side, up, and to the side again like it had become ingrained into his body. And although he told Jaehwan to not look at him, Sanghyuk continued to focus on Jaehwan.

_ One, two, three, one, two, three... _

Puberty was amazing in how it changed Jaehwan so much from the ten year old Sanghyuk first became friends with. Things like sudden growth spurts and crackly voices made for light hearted jabs while persistent baby fat made Jaehwan’s cheeks pinchable. 

There were things that couldn’t be affected by puberty though, like the way Jaehwan constantly and effortlessly captivated Sanghyuk into running off to Internet cafes when they should be studying or convincing him to stay out past curfew. Jaehwan made it hard for Sanghyuk to turn him away. It was what made Sanghyuk fall in love in the first place, this distinct captivation that pulled Sanghyuk in.  

_ One, two, three, one, two, three... _

“You’re finally getting it,” Sanghyuk noted as they danced at a comfortable pace. Sanghyuk felt himself being lulled by the swing of their bodies, languidly following the lead Jaehwan managed to establish. 

They were just a pair of teenagers dancing along to a tutorial video in sweatpants on a Wednesday night due to one’s (Jaehwan’s) hubris and the other’s (Sanghyuk’s) vulnerability. School papers and dirty laundry littered the floors, homework that was waiting to be done left forgotten– for more than a second everything faded away until it was just them dancing along to the beat of their hearts. At the center of it all, they were just two teenage boys oblivious to the world outside their own. 

— 

“I can’t believe I’m third wheeling again,” Sanghyuk scrunched his face up in agony, straightening out any weird wrinkles in his slacks.

“I can’t even remember the last time I third wheeled,” Wonshik quipped, tugging at the collar of his button up.  

“Oh shush you two,” Hakyeon smacked both of them lightly with a program pamphlet while Hongbin tried to separate himself from them under the guise of searching for seats.

Luckily, Sanghyuk managed to force Wonshik into the seat next to Hongbin and Hakyeon. He crossed his legs haughtily, smirking at Wonshik before opening up his own program pamphlet. They all typically tried to go see Taekwoon’s theater productions together whenever their schedules magically aligned since they were supportive friends since it felt weird to go by themselves.

Sanghyuk knew the basic premise of Hamlet and the majority of characters from the time he had to read it for a Shakespearean literature class he took in college (it sounded a lot more interesting on paper), so Sanghyuk went through the cast roles while bringing up a mental blurb about the more notable ones to refresh his memory.

He had to go down a few names to find the character Taekwoon was portraying– Laertes– but Sanghyuk found Jaehwan’s name immediately as it was positioned across from the first character listed– Hamlet. Sanghyuk was surprised, to say the least. It would undoubtedly be strange seeing the two of them portraying characters that centered around revenge and death. It would be even stranger for Sanghyuk to see Jaehwan after the way they left things so many days ago. 

“Isn’t this the one where everybody dies?” Wonshik asked him.

“I wouldn’t say everybody, but yeah,” Sanghyuk replied, folding the program back up. The theater was beyond packed at this point and the musical was set to start any minute now with the dimming of the lights and retraction of the curtains. 

Once the last of the house lights dimmed the theater into darkness, the curtains opened up and spotlights revealed a man and two others approaching him, one of which was Hamlet’s friend Horatio. Sanghyuk didn’t remember the first scene to be all that amazing, only serving to introduce the ghost of Hamlet’s father. The next scene, though, served to introduce most of the central characters. 

Much like Sanghyuk anticipated, he still found it strange to see people he knew act like different people. While Taekwoon was also in the same scene, Sanghyuk couldn’t help himself from being drawn toward Jaehwan whose presence stood out on the stage (as he should, Sanghyuk reasoned, since he was the main character). His hair was styled back and he stood with regalness despite his character’s sorrow that bled into his all-black outfit. Jaehwan’s voice came through the speakers with an unfamiliar deepness to it, confidence pouring from his posture as he surveyed the audience.

Sanghyuk shrunk back into his seat. It was impressive to think that Jaehwan had started out playing a different sort of prince once upon a time. A prince whose only concern was to figure out ballroom dancing with someone who wasn’t his princess in a small bedroom on a weeknight. 

— 

“You were cool, even if you died,”  Wonshik gave Taekwoon a bouquet of roses once Taekwoon emerged out of the venue, who graciously accepted them, dressed much more casually than his character. “You worked hard, Taekwoonie-hyung.”

“I’m gagging,” Sanghyuk groaned, holding his stomach with mock queasiness.

Taekwoon whacked him with the stem end of the flowers.

“The musical was great,” Sanghyuk said instead of going after Taekwoon for revenge. “I liked it.”

“Thank you, Sanghyuk,” Taekwoon smiled with a sense of victory behind it.

“Are we going to do a celebratory dinner?” Hakyeon asked, looking at Taekwoon.

“I’m pretty hungry,” Hongbin said like he didn’t realize it until Hakyeon mentioned food. 

Taekwoon shook his head, “The other cast members want to have dinner together tonight, but we can do something tomorrow if you really want to.”

Sanghyuk mentally breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that if they went out for dinner themselves, Jaehwan would also be tagging along. As much as Wonshik wanted him and Jaehwan to talk, Sanghyuk was unprepared to see Jaehwan.

But, that wasn’t what made Sanghyuk uneasy. It was during the scene when Hamlet watched his love lowered into the ground when Jaehwan made an expression Sanghyuk had seen before (that seemed to haunt him these days) and…

“We can figure something out when you and Jaehwan aren’t as busy or tired,” Hakyeon said, then pointed behind Sanghyuk toward the venue entrance. “Oh, look, there’s Jaehwan.”

As if commanded, Sanghyuk turned toward where Hakyeon was pointing. Jaehwan, dressed casually, was standing near the doors of the venue talking to two girls while holding his own bundle of flowers. One of them had her back turned toward them while the other stood in a way that Sanghyuk could see most of her face. It took him a moment to recognize her while she and Jaehwan laughed with open mouths. Heeyeon, if memory served. She was the same age as Jaehwan and they attended the same high school and college.

When the two went to hug Jaehwan goodbye, it was only then did Sanghyuk see the other girl’s face. Sanghyuk froze– there was no way he could ever forget her soft cheeks or that bubbly smile.

Sanghyuk didn't miss the way Jaehwan held onto that other girl for a beat longer than Heeyeon or the way he smiled at her so comfortably. Jaehwan’s fingers seemed to linger on her arms and he blushed at her as he took a knock to the head. Or maybe Sanghyuk’s brain was making up things that weren't actually happening.

Luckily the two girls didn't walk anywhere near him as they left. He knew Heeyeon personally and he was sure the other girl knew him– if they approached him, Sanghyuk would run. Since they weren’t heading in his direction, Sanghyuk was left with an oscillating wave of anger and envy pushing at him instead.

When Jaehawn finally spotted and skipped over to them, the others offered their congratulations to them. Jaehwan cheeks bunched up when he smiled, enough for his eyes to turn into half-crescents. It was the bubbly sort, the sort that made Jaehwan look irresistibly adorable.   

“Yeah, great job hyung,” Sanghyuk said, eyes trained on the cement under his shoes when it came around to him. He was going to be polite and then leave once he was done. 

“You can sound a little more sincere,” was the first thing Jaehwan said to him in days. Sanghyuk flinched. Everything had happened so long ago so why did seeing her face affect him so much? Seeing her  _ with _ Jaehwan? It wasn't farfetched for them to be friends yet it peeved Sanghyuk.

“Were those girls from before friends of yours?” Hakyeon asked, mostly out of pure curiousity. 

“Oh...yeah, they were,” Jaehwan answered like he wasn't expecting to be asked about them. “They’re pretty good friends of mine.”

“If we’re just going to talk about girls, I’m going to go home now,” Sanghyuk blurted out suddenly, his legs quickly taking him away before anybody could acknowledge what he had said. They had all driven themselves to the venue so it wasn't like Sanghyuk had to unwillingly force himself through this. 

“Ah, Hyukkie, wait!” Jaehwan was the first to react, catching Sanghyuk by the wrist only when Sanghyuk had put a fair distance between him and their friends. Sanghyuk didn’t turn around when Jaehwan anchored him down but did try to pull away.

“What hyung?” Sanghyuk didn't mean to snap at Jaehwan, but his teeth were already clenched and he didn't want to be anywhere near Jaehwan (and he certainly didn’t want to see Jaehwan so up close after Sanghyuk involuntarily reacted to his defined, half naked body). He just wanted to leave.

Being mindful of their friends, Jaehwan’s voice came out softly with unfaltering concern, “What’s wrong? Are you still mad at me because of last time?” Jaehwan paused, and then resumed with timid caution, “I know I said things I shouldn’t have and I... never got to apologize for it. I’m really sorry for being a dunce and not realizing that the past– that I– hurt you so much. I just didn’t want to acknowledge it for so long...”

“No, I’m not mad at you,” Sanghyuk answered immediately– as much as he loved them, Sanghyuk didn’t need the rest of their friends sticking their noses into his and Jaehwan’s problems. “Look, I’m sorry about getting mad at you over something small. I just...have some things to do right now so can you let go?”

Sanghyuk’s voice faltered with a crack on the last syllable and fuck fuck fuck why was he falling for Jaehwan when he shouldn’t, not when Jaehwan’s own flimsy heart was their downfall? He should’ve known better and yet, from the purposefully loud singing to the lovely glow of the smiles only Sanghyuk saw, Jaehwan made it so difficult to not find him endearing.  

And now Sanghyuk was filled with irrational jealousy and too much pride to admit aloud that yes, he was falling in love with the man who once broke his heart.

He barely saw where Wonshik was coming from when he implied Jaehwan liked him. No, if Jaehwan did then he would touch Sanghyuk with more affection than he showed that girl, look at him like he had never seen anything better in his life. There was nothing between him and Jaehwan. 

“I forgive you,” Jaehwan said, squeezing Sanghyuk’s wrist. “But, why’re you trying to run from me?”

“Not everything’s about you,” Sanghyuk hissed, looking at Jaehwan with impatience as he tried to shake himself out of Jaehwan’s grip, his heart painfully hammering away in his ribcage. He didn’t feel in control, his lips moving faster than his brain, “Why don’t you go be with Solji? You two looked as happy together as I remembered.”

Jaehwan’s fingers twitched over Sanghyuk’s wrist, his hold loosening from the surprise Jaehwan was making vocal, “You...saw?”

Sanghyuk managed to yank his wrist free, covering the area where Jaehwan had held him with his other hand like it would soothe away the phantom warmth of Jaehwan’s hand, “I even saw you two out on a date not even a week after we broke up.” Sanghyuk let out a short bark of laughter, the memories of that night appearing in high definition like it happened ten minutes ago, “You were always good at embarrassing me.”

“You know that wasn’t what I wanted to happen,” Jaehwan retorted with hushed desperation. “I didn’t do any of it to embarrass you or hurt you.” 

“Yeah, look at how great that turned out.”

“I just…” Jaehwan trailed off, struggling to string together enough words to form a sentence.

“Hyung, even if it’s just for a few hours,” Sanghyuk didn’t look at Jaehwan, fearful his voice would sound as broken as Jaehwan’s expression looked, “please leave me alone. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

—

Sanghyuk, as distraught as he was, took his time driving home. He took the long way home, taking an extra thirty minutes, as if driving over more asphalt would calm him down and dissipate the emotional stress weighing on him. It worked, to an extent.

As soon as Sanghyuk entered his apartment building, his stomach twisted up again. Everything seemed to spin, even the stairs. With slow and deliberate steps, Sanghyuk kept his eyes trained on each metal step as they came, his index finger looped through the keyring of his lightly jingling keys.

Even with a frosted glass pane erected between Sanghyuk and that chilly winter night, he saw it all clearly. He had been out with Sungjae, helping him with his English homework in exchange for food and comfort when Sanghyuk decided to look out the restaurant window. 

Blobs of salty water tainted his cheeks as they flowed carefree into his lap, marring dark circles into his pants as he wondered how Jaehwan could already look so happy with somebody else while Sanghyuk was drowning in misery.

Sanghyuk inhaled, exhaled. He did it again. He wondered what was wrong with him, but Sanghyuk already knew.

This was why he hated reminiscing– it brought  _ everything _ back. 

Inadequacy.

No matter how hard he tried, how confident he acted, Sanghyuk couldn’t escape it.

It took him a while before he reached the last step, leveled himself on the floor he lived on, and Jaehwan’s apartment door came into view. Sanghyuk wasn’t going to think about Jaehwan anymore tonight when sleep was so much more preferable. Actually, it was something Sanghyuk realized he definitely needed when he drew his focus toward his own apartment and belatedly noticed Jaehwan sitting in front of it, knees drawn up to his chest and head bent down into the space between. 

Sanghyuk felt his keys slip through his finger with a clatter, slicing through the silence of the hallway and drawing Jaehwan’s attention.  

“I didn’t even hear you come up Hyukkie.” Jaehwan pushed himself off the floor with a wobbly smile, “I thought I was going to end up sitting in the hallway the whole night.”

“I told you to leave me alone hyung,” Sanghyuk was on the hinge of panic, the sort that occurred when you were beginning to realize everything you did didn’t matter. Jaehwan was being god awful persistent and it distressed Sanghyuk. “Don’t you have that dinner with Taekwoon-hyung and your cast mates?”

“You’re more important than that.”

An instant reply, as if Jaehwan lived by his statement. 

Sanghyuk bent down to pick up his fallen keys with a grimace, scooping them up into his palm and holding them tightly enough for the irregular points of metal to dig into his skin. He just needed to ignore Jaehwan and he would be fine.

“Well, a hot shower is more important to me right now,” Sanghyuk kept his focus off of Jaehwan, warding any impulses away by imagining said hot shower and the relief that would come with collapsing on his sofa into a boneless heap.

With eyes trained on the door locks Jaehwan was blocking, Sanghyuk said without stepping into Jaehwan’s personal space, “Could you move over?”

“I just want to talk to you– just a minute is all I need,” Jaehwan pleaded instead. “And then we can be whatever you want us to be. We can be friends or you can go back to giving me the cold shoulder.”

Sanghyuk briefly glanced down at Jaehwan who had been watching Sanghyuk carefully, searching for the chance Sanghyuk was sure to give him, “Fine.”

“I didn’t do anything with Solji-noona when we were still together.” Sanghyuk turned away from Jaehwan to hide the way he flinched at the topic. Jaehwan continued on regardless, his voice small, “I never told you how insecure and lonely I was during those months because I didn’t want to burden you when I wanted to be the strong hyung you looked up to. Solji-noona helped me during vocal practice and was always supportive so I held on to her because of it. But now, we’re only friends.”

“Why’re you telling me this?” Sanghyuk didn’t have any sympathy to spare pertaining to their relationship, all of it having expired years ago. It didn’t change anything and it just reaffirmed that Sanghyuk didn’t have enough to keep Jaehwan’s heart. Besides, Jaehwan could be friends with whoever he wished– Sanghyuk wasn’t his keeper. It didn’t stop his jealously from rising though. “Are you still trying to apologize for something you know I won’t forgive?”

“I know you won’t forgive me. I just want you to know everything I was too scared to say.” Jaehwan exhaled and Sanghyuk could feel how Jaehwan’s eyelids had lowered and how Jaehwan’s fingers fidgeted self consciously. “When you asked me what I meant when I said I wished you told me stay, I only told you half the truth.”

Sanghyuk recalled the expression Jaehwan made during the play as his character came to grips with the reality that the person he loved was dead; it was the same one he made when he wished aloud that Sanghyuk had stayed. It had been love and the futile wish to be together again.

“I said it because lately I’ve been wishing we were still together,” Jaehwan admitted.

“Why,” Sanghyuk felt his blood run cold. He didn’t want to say it out loud, but he had no choice, “Are you making it sound like you’re in love with me…?”

“Sanghyuk...just...I need to know,” Jaehwan ignored his question, choosing instead to use a different set of syllables fragile and somber in nature that sought nothing more than the plain truth. “Did you regret it?”

Sanghyuk swallowed around nothing, “Regret what?”

“Do you regret loving me?”

Sanghyuk stared blankly at his door as his heart pounded, his key just barely pushed into the door lock. Jaehwan, who sounded so pained to ask, stood there quietly waiting for Sanghyuk to do something– reply or slam the door in his face once Sanghyuk wretched it open. He didn’t have any obligation to tell Jaehwan the truth, but it would hurt them both more to lie. 

“...No,” regretting it was the one thing he couldn’t do, “never.” Sanghyuk had been the happiest with Jaehwan, loved being in love with him and loved simply  _ existing _ around him. It was the only thing Sanghyuk couldn’t shake or change. 

“I’m glad,” Jaehwan said quietly. “I don’t know what I’d do if you regretted making the happiest moments of my life.”

“Why are you even asking,” Sanghyuk bit out, vexed at Jaehwan and at himself for repeating the same words like a broken record. “The past is in the past and we're too different to repeat any of it.” With the flick of his wrist, Sanghyuk unlocked the first lock of his door and then pulled his key out so he could unlock the second one above. The sooner he could put an end to their conversation, the sooner Sanghyuk could forget everything. “Besides, it’s not like I’m the person you want me to be.”

Jaehwan tugged Sanghyuk’s hand away, leaving his keys dangling from the door, “I never said that you weren’t.”

“Hyung,” Sanghyuk sighed, now facing Jaehwan who seemed desperate to correct him, “I know I can be a cynical dick and that I’m blunt to a fault, it’s nothing new.”

“I only said that because I was mad and frustrated. I didn’t mean any of it.”

Sanghyuk knew he was lying otherwise why did Jaehwan react so strongly that time? “You want things to be how they used to be.”

“I just…” Jaehwan looked so lost, trapped as he gazed up at Sanghyuk, then down at the ground, as he struggled to keep his overflowing sorrow in check, “I only miss how things used to be because that was when you loved me back.”

His voice came out thick and even his own words felt foreign to him as Sanghyuk muttered, fists clenched as he repeated his earlier question, “Why are you making it sound like you’re in love with me?” 

“Because I am,” Jaehwan confessed with a sheepish smile aimed at the floor. “I’ve been in love with you for a while, maybe ever since the fireworks.”

“You’re lying,” was Sanghyuk’s immediate reaction, his stomach dropping as he felt his spine go stiff. 

Relief and joy should have been Sanghyuk’s first reaction, but this wasn’t what Sanghyuk sought. Regardless, there was no reason why Jaehwan would love him and while it may have explained Jaehwan’s behavior and drunken ramblings, Sanghyuk refused to see past the lack of evidence. “I know what you’re like when you’re in love and you don’t treat me like that.”

More touchy than usual, more insistent on spending more time together, and that contagious happy-go-lucky smile were all indicators. “You treat me differently from other people– you’re more open with them and–”

“Because I felt self conscious around you,” Jaehwan interrupted with a hurried tone, his voice rising. “You didn’t want to be best friends again so I tried to keep my distance but I was still drawn to you. I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love, no matter how hard I tried because I knew I would be the last person you wanted to be in love with.”

Sanghyuk’s emotions were caught in his throat, constricting air from entering his straining lungs. His ill-placed affection for Jaehwan wasn’t supposed to be reciprocated. Sanghyuk was supposed to figure out how to kill this festering love before it was able to kill  _ him _ from the inside. Jaehwan wasn’t supposed to be giving him this chance, “You’ll find someone better than me.”

“There’s no one else,” in a sudden burst, Jaehwan pushed at Sanghyuk’s shoulder, causing Sanghyuk’s back to hit his door and suddenly Jaehwan was up against his chest. It felt like something was coiling around his chest and the intense, raw emotion Jaehwan stared up at him with paralyzed Sanghyuk. “You’re the best thing that will ever fucking happen to me in this lifetime.”   

Sanghyuk pressed himself flat against his door, praying he could somehow phase through it, “What am I supposed to do about it? You’re not even looking at me. You’re only looking at who I used to be.” 

“I’m not,” Jaehwan argued back. “I fell for  _ you _ , the one who’s taller than me and makes webcomics for a living and is annoyingly good at cooking. The one who isn’t afraid to say what he wants and is so confident in himself that it drives me crazy. Yeah, you being my first love might’ve had something to do with it but I’m in love with the idiot standing right here.”

“...First love?” This wasn’t how things were supposed to play out between them.

“That’s how important you are to me Hyukkie,” a gentle hand went to cradle Sanghyuk’s cheek and Sanghyuk didn’t flinch away, too shocked to do anything. “I’m sorry for falling in love with you, but I don’t want to lose you again. I just want us to be us...please…”

If Sanghyuk uttered those three words out loud, he could have Jaehwan and everything that came with him. He would be able to wrap his arms around Jaehwan, take in the sweet scent of home, and wake up to his soft smile (the shy one, the one where his cheeks gathered slightly at the corners of his lips, but not enough to scrunch his eyes up).

Except, Sanghyuk was at a loss. Jaehwan thought he had confidence, yet Sanghyuk couldn’t find a single drop of it to act on. Confessing or rejecting– no matter which Sanghyuk chose, he wouldn’t be able to turn back. Life wasn’t simple for Sanghyuk’s biggest worries to revolve around exams and grades anymore, nor where his favorite four-eyed hyung was going to drag him off to. And, even though he was in his twenties, his brain drew a blank on the all the wisdom and knowledge he was supposed to have accumulated over the years. 

Sanghyuk might as well have been fourteen and stupidly in love with the boy he grew up with, the one who shone brightly on rainy days and helped Sanghyuk solve math problems while eating his way through his stockpiled snacks.

“I think,” Sanghyuk fidgeted uncomfortably, turning his head away from Jaehwan’s hand, refusing to meet his eyes. He was acting on pure folly, throwing caution to the wind. “I’m...in love with you too…”  

Jaehwan lowered his hand, cocking his head to the side with uncertainty, “You…”

Sanghyuk shut his eyes tightly, anxiety curling into a stiff frown as he carelessly threw himself into his own grave, “I’m not going to say it again.”

“Do you…” Sanghyuk could hear the disbelief in the way Jaehwan’s words seemed to lag, “really...?”

Maybe Sanghyuk shouldn’t have said anything. Sure they used to click together like two peas in a pod, however they couldn’t fall back on that dated guarantee. Rather than vibrant, ignorant teenagers, they were adults jaded by untold experiences. Just because two people loved each other didn’t mean it was going to work out.

Sanghyuk cracked his eyes open slightly, observing a Jaehwan who was at a loss for words from the corner of his eye. His lips were parted and there was that face again, the one full of desperation and love that caused Sanghyuk’s heart to seize. 

“I’m not going to repeat it and if you’re just going to stand there gaping at me like that, I have a warm shower wait–”

Jaehwan yanked his head down by the collar of his shirt, locking his lips over Sanghyuk’s mid-sentence, catching Sanghyuk off guard with a yelp caught in his throat. It hadn’t been long since the last time Sanghyuk had kissed anybody, but it had been eight years since he last kissed Jaehwan and they never kissed like this– deep, bruising, and urgent– before. Sanghyuk didn’t have the time to think, his hands going to Jaehwan’s waist instinctively as he focused on the sensation of Jaehwan’s pillow soft lips.

“You…” Sanghyuk brought his fingers up to his lips when their lips audibly broke away from each other and Jaehwan flicked his tongue out self consciously. He was left reeling because there was something in the way Jaehwan kissed, nectar sweet yet stinging. It was addicting, heady even, exceeded any previous expectations, and Sanghyuk wanted to do it again to the point he chased after Jaehwan when he pulled away the first time. 

“Is this okay?” It was beyond Sanghyuk how Jaehwan could act so shy after pulling a move so bold it stunted Sanghyuk’s ability to think properly. Though Sanghyuk’s shock had less to do with the action and more with the person behind it as Jaehwan released his shirt.

“What…” it felt like his body was on fire, “what do you want this to be hyung?”

“I just need you in my life,” Jaehwan replied, stealing an apprehensive glance up at Sanghyuk. “It wouldn’t be bad if I could kiss you too.”

Sanghyuk shook his head, “I can’t promise you anything.” This wasn’t a shoujo manga nor a romance movie. Sanghyuk couldn’t promise Jaehwan things like forever, happiness, and whatever else their younger selves had promised each other.

“That makes two of us, I guess,” Jaehwan shot him a familiar dorky smile, lopsided and all teeth, as he lined his left hand up with Sanghyuk’s and laced their fingers between each other.

“Fuck,” Sanghyuk tightened his grip, Jaehwan responding in kind, and rested his forehead on Jaehwan’s shoulder. He took in a mix of fruity body wash and cotton fresh detergent; it was a nostalgic mix of scents with the additional hint of cologne strongest on Jaehwan’s neck. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Let me kiss you again and make me dinner?” 

“You still suck at taking things seriously.”

Jaehwan pecked a kiss to his nape and ran his fingers from where he had kissed up into Sanghyuk’s hair, “You know, we were never good at worrying over the small details.”

Sanghyuk straightened up and flicked Jaehwan’s forehead lightly, “You’re unbelievable.”

“Ack,” Jaehwan flinched and then glowered at him. “What was that for?!”

“I didn’t even hit you that hard,” Hesitantly, Sanghyuk placed a soft kiss to where he had hit Jaehwan, unraveling his fingers from Jaehwan’s so he could hold his chin with both hands as he moved down to press another kiss to Jaehwan’s nose. Sanghyuk paused, his fingers tingling when he pressed his forehead to Jaehwan’s without looking at him, “What am I even doing…?”       

“We can figure that out together,” Jaehwan cupped Sanghyuk’s cheek with his hand, his thumb slowly stroking his cheekbone, “...if you want. We don’t have to do this if you don’t want.”

If he really wanted, Sanghyuk could take the out he was being granted. He didn’t have to do this, but then he wouldn’t be able to hold Jaehwan like this. Even through the pain and despite everything that happened between them, he still missed Jaehwan. Even now, Sanghyuk was still involuntarily drawn to Jaehwan in every way imaginable. It didn’t change how Sanghyuk felt about Jaehwan’s actions, but... 

“I do…” Sanghyuk moved his hands to lock around Jaehwan’s neck. “I think...I want to do this.”

“So do I,” Jaehwan leaned forward, taking Sanghyuk’s lips with a subtler kiss, smoother in nature and open mouthed. Sanghyuk closed his eyes, pressing his back against his door and allowed himself to become vulnerable to Jaehwan’s warmth.    

—

“I don’t put out on the first date,” Sanghyuk muttered against Jaehwan who laughed loosely.

“Technically this isn’t our first date.”    

Jaehwan tucked his head next to Sanghyuk’s neck, his mouth brushing against it as he spoke, his fingers curling under Sanghyuk’s shirt. Against better judgement, Sanghyuk wanted to mark up Jaehwan’s perfect jawline and that pale stretch of neck. Somehow, just by inviting Jaehwan into his apartment, all of Sanghyuk’s guilty thoughts were springing up like flowers in spring.

It was all Jaehwan’s fault– Jaehwan and his irresistible face and sweet voice. 

“You’ve turned into a real fucking brute,” Jaehwan gasped when Sanghyuk pushed him against the wall, attacking his neck with his teeth before soothing each blossoming red bite mark with kittish licks. He knocked his head back, small moans vibrating from his throat in encouragement.  

“Says the one who got hard from just three kisses,” Sanghyuk groaned, Jaehwan’s scent casting a dizzy spell on him as he moved his right hand, his fingers dragging down Jaehwan’s chest, feeling hidden contours of firm muscle. “You were never the type to work out.”

Jaehwan arched up into Sanghyuk’s touch when Sanghyuk pressed his middle finger over his covered nipple, “Unless I had to show off my bare chest to the world.”

“Doesn’t explain the running.”

“Nice legs don’t work out themselves you know.”

Sanghyuk rolled his eyes, working his hands under Jaehwan’s shirt and running them over the definitive abs he saw only hours ago under blinding lights. If Jaehwan really wanted, he could probably push Sanghyuk around with ease, brace Sanghyuk up against a wall even. The thought of it made Sanghyuk’s breath stutter and when Jaehwan forcefully jerked his head up by the chin to kiss him, drinking from him deeply, Sanghyuk could feel his body heat up with need.

They eventually moved from the foyer to his bedroom with Jaehwan backing Sanghyuk down onto the bed. Sanghyuk spread his legs to accommodate Jaehwan who pressed his covered cock against Sanghyuk’s and grinded down on it with the intent of creating blinding friction that had Sanghyuk panting for more. 

“I need to wear these next week,” Sanghyuk said through the daze that was fogging up his sensibility. “Don’t ruin them.”

“Wouldn’t want that,” Jaehwan mumbled to himself, making quick work of Sanghyuk’s belt and pulling his boxer briefs down with his slacks in a seamless motion. Sanghyuk moaned in relief when cold air hit the wet tip of his cock, precum smearing the dress shirt he still had on. It was suffocating to have it on, his body overheating from desire and something else when Jaehwan began to remove his own shorts and underwear.

Jaehwan knelt over his thigh, hoering over him and Sanghyuk blushed, unused to Jaehwan staring down at him so intensely with so many layers– lust, attraction, and love all bundled up with the absence of space between them. As if examining him, Jaehwan lithely touched Sanghyuk’s cheek, his head tilting slightly. It sent goosebumps down Sanghyuk’s neck.    

“You got bigger,” Jaehwan cracked an amused smile, dropping his hand. 

“I was fifteen that time, what were you expecting?” Sanghyuk sputtered, punching Jaehwan’s shoulder lightly.

Jaehwan whined at being hit, frowning as he tried to justify himself, “I was just making an observation, I mean...” Sanghyuk almost jumped when Jaehwan suddenly loosely wrapped his fingers around Sanghyuk’s cock, giving it an experimental stroke from base to tip. He stopped his hand about a quarter from the tip, “You were only this big that time I caught you jerking off.”

“I know– I see my dick everyday,” Sanghyuk was intent on sewing his mouth shut, yet a low moan rumbled up from his chest. He was afraid to let Jaehwan know how much his lazy strokes were affecting him because he knew Jaehwan would hold it over him, tease him with the information if not now then later.

“Well I don’t,” Jaehwan pointed out, coating Sanghyuk’s cock with his own precum. “I’m still not used to only seeing your chubby cheeks when you smile.”

Sanghyuk huffed with exasperation, “I don’t get why you’re so obsessed with me looking like a kid.”

“I’m not,” Jaehwan kissed him at the junction between his jawline and neck, his free hand blindly reaching out for Sanghyuk’s hand. “You grew up well,” Jaehwan punctuated this with a kiss placed a bit lower than the previous one and all Sanghyuk did was watch.

“I like how you look now. Your face and body are definitely my type,” Jaehwan joked and Sanghyuk could feel the smile against his collarbone that was peeking out from under his button up. 

With a helpless moan, Jaehwan pressed his own cock against Sanghyuk’s and stroked them together, the sound of their precum mixing loud to Sanghyuk’s ears, “I wish I was there for you for everything– seeing you graduate…watch you cough up your first shot, help you cram for final exams, go out for late night snacks, going to the summer fairs at home…”

“Hyung…” Sanghyuk said in a way that signaled for Jaehwan to stop, but Jaehwan continued.

“I’m just saying I missed out on so many things– eight years is a long time,” Jaehwan straightened up his back, seating himself over Sanghyuk’s thigh and raised their conjoined hands to his lips. The gesture was delicate and not the sort of gesture Sanghyuk was used to when he was being rocked into dizzying pleasure, “I was your first kiss but I wasn’t your first time.”

Sanghyuk’s hips pushed up against Jaehwan’s weight, chasing after pressure Jaehwan wasn’t granting him. “It’s…”  it was a small detail really, one that Sanghyuk hadn’t thought about much...not that there was any reason for him to, “not that big of a deal.”

Jaehwan let go of their cocks in favor of splaying his fingers across the v of Sanghyuk’s hips, massaging the precum on his fingers into the area and then burying under to feel Sanghyuk’s ass with a slight grip, “It is to me. Maybe I’m just possessive.” Jaehwan then pushed his hand up Sanghyuk’s side, his eyes enraptured with the way Sanghyuk shivered under his touch. 

Sanghyuk eyes darted down over to a shirt he had thrown on his bed earlier in the morning. Why did the last eight years suddenly feel like a void of missed opportunities?

“Then make up for it,” Sanghyuk’s attention flickered back to Jaehwan and he started unbuttoning his shirt with one hand. “Take responsibility.”

He took the hand that wasn’t wrapped up with his own and guided it to his chest while maintaining eye contact, biting his lower lip as he waited for Jaehwan to act on his own. Sanghyuk didn’t know what he was doing, a game plan nowhere in sight, just doing whatever felt natural to him. Everything in this moment, though, felt natural. Fluid. Including when he shyly curled his hand over Jaehwan’s marked neck and silently asked for a kiss.

Jaehwan indulged him, his tongue lapping languidly at Sanghyuk’s, his lips locking tenderly over his. Sanghyuk sighed into Jaehwan, letting his bones go loose as he tasted traces of minty gum. Jaehwan pulled away briefly, looking Sanghyuk over as his hand slowly caressed Sanghyuk’s torso appreciatively, and took Sanghyuk’s lips again without any trace of urgency.

Sanghyuk loved his past lovers and knew what intimacy felt with the added dimension. With Jaehwan, Sanghyuk felt so exposed in a way that every sensation was heightened. A simple kiss felt like an intoxicating high Sanghyuk couldn’t get enough of and wanted to keep for himself.  His– only his.

“Do you have…?” Jaehwan asked against his lips and with his free hand, Sanghyuk reached up under his pillows for a bottle of lube and strip of condoms. He moved them so that they were now within hand’s reach and Jaehwan raised a brow at him, “Why do you keep them there?”

“I forgot to put them back.”

Jaehwan had retracted both hands in favor of retrieving the lube and popped off the cap when Sanghyuk told him. Jaehwan paused, halfway between pouring the bottle’s contents onto his fingers, and shot Sanghyuk a look of disapproval.

“Don’t look at me like that. It’s been a month since I’ve done anything.”

“Looking at you like what?” Jaehwan feigned ignorance, pumping out lube hard enough that Sanghyuk half thought it would break. It was like Jaehwan was throwing a mini-tantrum, expression displaying his dissatisfaction.

“Hey,” it felt unlike himself to do this, “you know it didn’t mean anything. I would...chose you, every single time.”

“Yeah…”

Sanghyuk’s face twisted. Jaehwan should know Sanghyuk wasn’t good at expressing his feelings outwardly and to read between the lines and interpret Sanghyuk’s actions, “You know what I’m saying, right?”

The corner of Jaehwan’s mouth lifted into a soft smile colored with a subtle understanding that came with being reminded of a certain memory, “It was what made you cute. I guess it still does.”

“How many times do I have to– ah!– tell you I’m not cute,” Sanghyuk’s leg twitched up into Jaehwan and he involuntarily gasped when Jaehwan probed a finger into him before pushing it in all the way. As if pleased with himself, Jaehwan grinned and pecked a kiss on Sanghyuk’s lips.

“Tell me if it’s uncomfortable,” Jaehwan said instead, ignoring Sanhyuk’s claim in favor of slowly working his slicked finger in and out of Sanghyuk. If not from kissing, Sanghyuk’s lower lip was most likely swelling from the way he continuously drove his teeth into them to keep any noises at bay and to keep himself grounded.

Jaehwan took his time, so much that Sanghyuk was itching for another finger to hurry up and stretch him open, to feel something satisfyingly thicker. Jaehwan was no longer sitting directly on Sanghyuk so Sanghyuk was free to move his lower half, choosing to shallowly thrust against Jaehwan’s fingers when he grew tired of Jaehwan’s teasing and his body began to tense up with anticipation. 

“I’m not made of glass, hyung,” Sanghyuk bit out after Jaehwan added a second finger, not that it mattered to Sanghyuk because he couldn’t quite feel the addition. He wanted Jaehwan to act with less care and less control, needed his body to shake with familiar hot flashes surging through his veins. “I don’t have all night.”

“You’re so bossy.”

Sanghyuk half-heartedly smacked Jaehwan’s cheek, if to at least get the pleased smirk off Jaehwan’s face.

However, Jaehwan gave in to Sanghyuk’s demand with curled fingers stretching him out and (purposefully) brushing past the bundle of nerves that would be Sanghyuk’s undoing. Sanghyuk curled his hands up into the bedsheets like it was an outward indication of Jaehwan giving him what he craved. His reactions only devolved from there when Jaehwan pushed in a third finger, fingertips tickling against his prostate that had Sanghyuk arching up into Jaehwan, hips undulating against him.

“Even your gasps are cute,” a surprised moan wracked through Sanghyuk’s body when Jaehwan made sure to hit Sanghyuk’s prostate with the intention of pulling another hiccuped gasp out of him. And then Jaehwan did it again, spurring a choked off moan out of Sanghyuk.

Sanghyuk screwed his eyes shut, turning his head to bury his face in the sheets, his heart beating so hard he couldn’t hear his thoughts for a split second, “Fuck– hyung–”

Jaehwan hummed, pulling his fingers out and leaving Sanghyuk clenching around nothing. He heard the tear of plastic and without preamble, the pressure of Jaehwan’s cock against his hole. Jaehwan laced their fingers together and kissed the back of Sanghyuk’s hand, lips stagnant as if Jaehwan was savoring it and then repeated it twice more, “Tell me if it hurts, okay?”

Sanghyuk looked up at Jaehwan, who stared back deeply as if mesmerized, and nodded.  

He couldn’t feel the stretch at first, mostly due to how well Jaehwan fingered him, but as Jaehwan gradually pushed deeper, Sanghyuk’s legs widened as his rim stressed around him. Jaehwan wasn’t the thickest, but Sanghyuk felt lightheaded nonetheless, grinding his head against the mattress from the slow drag. His free hand latched onto Jaehwan’s bicep, his fingers digging harder into Jaehwan with each passing inch.

“Okay?” Jaehwan asked and Sanghyuk exhaled sluggishly, taking in the way Jaehwan filled him up, how their hips fit together, how it felt to have Jaehwan before him squeezing love into his hand like he didn’t know what else to do with the emotion. It was all so overwhelming. 

“Yeah.”

Despite what Sanghyuk had said earlier, Jaehwan rocked into Sanghyuk with slow and deliberate thrusts, the only hint of force present when Jaehwan thrusted in. He was being subjected to a constant presence of pleasure that was just barely out of reach and it was starting to drive him crazy. It was like an itch and Sanghyuk so desperately wanted to scratch it. Despite himself, Sanghyuk was tightening up around Jaehwan. His breath came to him more labored than it had any reason to, which Jaehwan swallowed as he kissed him.   

Their lips parted wetly each time before Sanghyuk sought for another kiss and another, his precum smearing between their bodies as Jaehwan kept his body parallel and close to Sanghyuk’s.    

“You feel so good, Hyukkie,” Jaehwan panted into him and Sanghyuk could hear the tremble in his voice, his enjoyment of this torturously slow drag and of the way Sanghyuk’s hips rolled down to meet each thrust blatant. It was sweet, so sweet that Sanghyuk didn’t know what to do with himself. “So perfect. All mine.”

Sanghyuk pointed his chin up and brought Jaehwan’s face down to his neck, urging Jaehwan to make some sort of physical proof. He whimpered when Jaehwan nipped at his neck, sucking at the spot fervently as Sanghyuk stared up at the ceiling without much focus.

Having sex with Jaehwan was so much like Jaehwan’s personality– subtly steeped with emotion and playful. Jaehwan did as he wished, even at the expense of Sanghyuk’s sanity.

He pressed himself flush against Jaehwan with a moan when Jaehwan found Sanghyuk’s cock and started to stroke it, spreading precum all over the shaft as he sucked another hicky on Sanghyuk’s neck. It was a lot all at once and Sanghyuk could barely keep himself in check, caught between thrusting up into Jaehwan’s hand or down onto Jaehwan’s cock. 

“God, hyung, harder,” Sanghyuk mumbled against Jaehwan’s ear, already losing most of his sensibility, “need more.”

“Like this?” Jaehwan asked against his neck, pushing his cock deeper into Sanghyuk and being rewarded with a whine of approval, “Yes, don’t stop hyung– don’t stop, I need you–”

Jaehwan whimpered, kissing Sanghyuk as he spoke with a breathless lilt, “I love you so much, Hyukkie. I don’t–” Gradually, any pretenses of control started to melt away from Jaehwan’s body, pleasure clouding his half-lidded eyes, yet still managing to firmly stroke Sanghyuk to the edge, “Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Sanghyuk barely registered the incessant creak of his bed, only knowing that Jaehwan was whispering hot air into his ear ( _ love you, love you so much, god _ ) and Sanghyuk didn’t want to let go, not even when his release was mounting in his spine and Sanghyuk kept on chanting  _ Jaehwanie-hyung, Jaehwanie, oh god _ .     

He came between them, warm cum shooting and pouring from his cock all over his chest and stomach, chafing against Jaehwan with painfully sensitive bursts as Jaehwan clawed after his own release, whining loudly and coming with a stuttered thrust before collapsing on top of Sanghyuk.

“Heavy,” Sanghyuk groaned, pushing weakly at Jaehwan’s shoulder.

Jaehwan giggled, as musical as his singing, “I want to hug you.” 

“No, I feel too gross right now.” Sanghyuk shivered as Jaehwan pulled out of him. Jaehwan got up and padded over to the wastebin to toss the condom before coming back with a box of tissues. He took his time in wiping Sanghyuk, and then himself, clean. Sanghyuk let Jaehwan bring their chests together when he lay beside Sanghyuk on the bed, curling his arm around Sanghyuk’s back. 

Sanghyuk deflated, giving into Jaehwan’s whims and hesitantly rested his hand on the small of Jaehwan’s thin waist, his head under Jaehwan’s chest. They were still sweaty, but Sanghyuk found the elevated heat of their bodies inviting.   

“See, it’s not that bad.”

“Mmm,” Sanghyuk hummed, lifting his head up to kiss Jaehwan and then ducked back under to hide the genuine smile pulling at his lips. It was anybody’s guess if things would work out between them this time, but maybe Sanghyuk could allow himself to let go of his inhibitions just this once.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be the epilogue :p  
> thanks for reading!  
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/zeroo_cb)


	6. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> epilogue aka an excuse for me to write some sappy hyuken snippets

“You know, I’m sort of glad there weren’t any corgis up for adoption,” Sanghyuk leaned over the roof of his car, arms crossed over it while Jaehwan let out a yawn as he stepped out of Sanghyuk’s car.

“Why?”

“Because then I won’t have a hard time picking which butt I want to watch,” Sanghyuk grinned when Jaehwan shot him an exaggerated look of disgust. Sanghyuk’s lips stretched even wider, relishing Jaehwan’s reaction.

“I’m not going to stand here and be reduced to something that’s not even my defining body part,” Jaehwan fumed loudly.

“Oh?” Sanghyuk quirked his brows up at Jaehwan, “What  _ is _ your defining body part then?” 

“My nose, obviously!”

Sanghyuk laughed, clicking his car to lock and then followed Jaehwan inside. Christmas was a week away and they had just come back from definitively deciding on adopting a pomeranian that looked like a small happy puffball of happiness and purity named Kenny. 

If he could, Sanghyuk would’ve taken all of the dogs home with him. But, Jaehwan fell in love with Kenny, bringing the puppy up to Sanghyuk’s face with a giggle about how it started licking him as if it denoted Jaehwan as the chosen one in some prophecy. It only took two more visits before Jaehwan’s (and eventually Sanghyuk’s) heart was completely set on the pup. They were going to go sign the papers for Kenny after the holidays, given their schedules.

“Shouldn’t you start puppy-proofing your apartment?” Sanghyuk laid out on Jaehwan’s sofa, some cheap one he kept from college once he got inside Jaehwan’s apartment. It was broken in and comfortable in all the right places so Sanghyuk wasn’t going to complain about how it clashed with everything in Jaehwan’s apartment. Mold green just wasn’t a good color. 

“I’ll get around to it,” Jaehwan came out of the kitchen with two mugs, placing them both on the coffee table. Sanghyuk smacked Jaehwan’s butt and Jaehwan squeaked. “Hey!”

Sanghyuk sat up and tugged Jaehwan down so that Jaehwan rested his head on Sanghyuk’s lap. They had been dating for the last four months, though Sanghyuk didn’t like to count the first month for the reason that things between them still felt awkward. Or rather, they were going through a learning curve with each other. It was like riding a bicycle for the first time in a while, except you were on an obstacle course and had to dodge trees as you did it. 

“You should move in with me...” and then Sanghyuk backtracked when he realized how whiny he sounded, quickly tacking on, “...if you want. Whenever.”

“Wow, this relationship is moving really fast,” Jaehwan joked and Sanghyuk felt weirdly shy about what he had just proposed. “Are you going to ask me to marry you on our anniversary?”

Sanghyuk pinched Jaehwan’s nose close, tugging it around, “In your dreams.”

—

Sanghyuk didn't want to admit that sometimes he still had a hard time being around Jaehwan. It wasn't that he found Jaehwan unbearable or anything of the sort, but sometimes he’d become overcome with anxiety. Now that Jaehwan stood by him, the possibility of Jaehwan disappearing existed once more. 

He could only ease the fear by having Jaehwan within reach. Whether it be tugging him closer when they were in bed or holding his hand over the middle console while one of them drove, the key point was knowing Jaehwan was actually there.

“You awake?” Sanghyuk shifted his body closer to Jaehwan, chest against back, lips to exposed shoulder, and arm slung over waist with his hand tucked under Jaehwan’s body. It hadn’t been that long since the lights were switched off and they climbed into bed, too exhausted to do anything.

“Mhm,” Jaehwan mumbled, pulling Sanghyuk’s hand out so he could lazily fiddle their hands together. Sanghyuk pulled the comforter up higher with his free hand.

“Too bad you don't have as much muscle as you did during the summer. You’ve got more lean muscle than you did in high school.”

“Is that all you want to talk about?”

“I was just thinking about it. I don't mind since I got to immortalize it all on paper. I might frame all of them.”

Jaehwan sighed sullenly, adjusting himself closer to Sanghyuk, “Sometimes I think you only agreed to date me again for my body.”

“Well it's not like I’m in it for your personality. Your body’s good for gesture drawing and I’ve been looking for a live model,” Sanghyuk laughed quietly into Jaehwan’s shoulder, enjoying how they could now freely joke around. “I’m going to sleep now.”

“Your personality is even worse than mine,” Jaehwan knocked his head back against Sanghyuk’s in a half hearted attack. And then he fell silent, causing Sanghyuk to believe he was actually trying to sleep.

“Hyukkie.”

“Yeah?”

“I wuv you.”

“Goodnight hyung.”

Sanghyuk felt his chest swell for no comprehensible reason.

—

“Who is that for?” Jaehwan asked when Sanghyuk came back with a large red and green polka dot present box, Hongbin following after him into Wonshik and Taekwoon’s living room. Sanghyuk had told Jaehwan to head to their friends’ party before him, citing the need to run a quick errand and to pick up Hongbin.

The box shook and Sanghyuk planted his hand firmly on the lid, “You.”

Jaehwan squinted at him, then at Taekwoon who started edging closer to Jaehwan, a gleam in his eyes. He appeared suspicious as though he was expecting there to be a big prank behind it. If everybody but Jaehwan being in the know could be considered a prank, then Jaehwan was in for a surprise.

“Just take it and open it quickly,” Sanghyuk commanded, placing the box on Jaehwan’s lap.

However, Jaehwan didn’t need to do anything as the lid popped off by itself, a furry head poking out of the box with a lolled tongue. Jaehwan stared at Kenny dumbfounded, then up at Sanghyuk, speechless.

“Merry Christmas,” Sanghyuk smiled brightly, taking Kenny out of the box so the pomeranian could lick at Jaehwan’s cheek, tail wagging rapidly.

“Hyukkie, I...I thought we weren't getting him until after New Year’s…” Jaehwan took hold of Kenny, however he was still staring wide-eyed at Sanghyuk.

“I signed them a few days ago. I wanted to surprise you and thought you would like having Kenny home for the holidays.”

“God, this is so nauseatingly cute and lovey dovey. No wonder his webcomic got mushier lately,” Hongbin commented, earning him a neck chop from Hakyeon. “I’m just glad I don’t have to worry about that fuzzball peeing everywhere.”

As if sensing the presence of another dog in its home, Badass came running out, barking at Kenny who barked back. Jaehwan put Kenny down to acquaint him with Badass. Taekwoon picked up the pomeranian though, which only spurred Badass to resume barking.

“You're going to make your own dog jealous, hyung,” Sanghyuk pointed out, sitting on the other side of Jaehwan, wrapping his arm around him and kissing him on the cheek that wasn't covered in saliva. Jaehwan always seemed to go the extra mile for Sanghyuk, always treasuring him and saying things like  _ I love you _ when he was least expecting it, but unknowingly needing it.

It wasn't fair how Sanghyuk struggled to repay even a fraction of Jaehwan’s love just because he had a hard time tapping into his own emotions.

“I can't believe you,” Jaehwan laughed, still in disbelief. “You got me a dog for Christmas. You're officially the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.”

“I really doubt that. We were already planning on bringing him home so it wasn't anything special,” yet Sanghyuk’s cheeks ached and he couldn't stop grinning and gosh it was really warm he should take off the ugly sweater Jaehwan forced on him.

“I didn't even know Sanghyuk’s face could do that,” Wonshik muttered in amazement.

—

“So, my lease is expiring soon…” Jaehwan thumbed at the condensation on his beer can that was resting on the coffee table, sitting crossed legged in Sanghyuk’s living room on his fuzzy rug. Sanghyuk sat next to him, sucking off the remaining frosting off his plastic fork.

They managed to eat all of the vanilla cake Sanghyuk bought, which wasn't much of a feat since it wasn't that big. Kenny was sleeping soundly on the sofa, weary from all of the day’s excitement. Sanghyuk tried to work in as much as he could for Jaehwan’s birthday, even indulging his love for junk food and snacks. 

“...And I might not renew it.”

Sanghyuk didn't immediately process what Jaehwan meant, just wondering why he wouldn't when he realized what Jaehwan was trying to say. He gently put down the plastic fork he was sucking on and asked:

“Are you sure?”

“You were the one who suggested it!”

“Uh…” Sanghyuk distantly recalled only saying it without any intent behind it, letting it come out on its own without thought. He would love it though, living with Jaehwan. They were practically already doing that, fighting over who was the one to use up the last of the shampoo. The only time Jaehwan would be sitting in his own room would be when he was gaming, angrily yelling obscenities that compelled Sanghyuk to yell at Jaehwan to shut up through their shared wall. 

“I’m just...I don't mind. It's your birthday– I should be the one making you happy, not the other way around.”

Jaehwan hummed, grabbing Sanghyuk’s hand to hold, “I would be happy if we officially lived together. How about that?”

“I…” Sanghyuk bit his lip and he turned his face away from Jaehwan, propping his arm up like it would shield him, “I’d really like it. A lot.”

Jaehwan lunged over, throwing himself completely over Sanghyuk as he tried to get Sanghyuk to properly face him. Sanghyuk stubbornly stayed firm. “Say it again to my face! I want to see how red you are!”

—

“Just like when we were kids,” Jaehwan leaned forward on the railing of the bridge they were standing on, watching fireworks bloom with the clear night sky as the perfect backdrop.

Sanghyuk nodded, still believing half the day to be a dream. Jaehwan had been stuck rehearsing for a new musical into the evening and Sanghyuk had too many meetings for an illustrator. They barely saw each other even at home lately, sometimes briefly asking how the other’s day went before falling asleep. Even though they lived together, Sanghyuk felt lonely. 

His birthday was coming up too and it didn’t look like either of them would have much free time. It didn’t matter much, so long as Sanghyuk could see Jaehwan’s face at least once.

“I thought you had rehearsal,” not that he wasn’t happy to see Jaehwan, but Sanghyuk was beyond confused when he saw Jaehwan in the lobby of his office building after promptly getting kicked out by Hakyeon at noon. 

“I lied, birthday boy,” Jaehwan grinned as if he could barely contain his excitement. “There was no way I was going to miss my adorable Hyukkie’s birthday.”

Sanghyuk reached for Jaehwan with a smile that came to him so easily when Jaehwan was around– light and childish and so so vulnerable.

Jaehwan took him out for lunch and dinner (sticking Kenny with Wonshik and Taekwoon for the day), dragging him to an arcade and various shops in between. Sanghyuk felt silly playing in an arcade in slacks with high schoolers walking around, but Jaehwan egged him on so much that Sanghyuk forgot about it all and became blind to the weird looks they were getting when they started yelling and screaming to the point Sanghyuk even forgot he was in his twenties.

“Somehow, I feel like you bribed someone,” Sanghyuk rested his head on Jaehwan’s shoulder, closing his eyes so he could concentrate on the air flowing into his body and the feeling of Jaehwan under him. The fireworks boomed and softly, Sanghyuk said, “Thank you for today.”

“You’re welcome,” Jaehwan replied, bumping his head against Sanghyuk’s.

Sanghyuk opened his eyes and sighed, “I feel so sappy right now. This is gross.”

“Now you sound like Binnie.”

Cars sped behind them, the chirp of crickets barely audible, and Sanghyuk sought out the familiarity of Jaehwan’s hand. They stood there watching the fireworks build up into its grand finale, smoke rapidly accumulating and floating downwind. Sanghyuk felt at peace, despite how hectic life had been lately. He felt like his worries had been washed away and while the tide would eventually bring them back, Jaehwan had already proven he was an immoveable aegyo-filled, thoughtful, and devoted mass.

“I love you, hyung.”

Things would be alright between them this time around.    

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, this story was supposed to be longer but i think it turned out alright?? in the end?? thank you guys for reading and putting up with my terrible update schedule toward the end!
> 
> i'm out there on [twitter](http://twitter.com/zeroo_cb) in case you ever want to tag me in some hyuken/vixx content and hear me scream


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